i used to be really good with stream-of-consciousness blogging. even at 3am. especially at 3am. now i'm too lazy to even use proper letter capitalization.
But I will try. After all, what's a better reflection than an introspection? Sometimes we can't really find the answers from the people around us. We're all just too different from each other and each other's experiences.
So P and I broke up. We had a talk the other night. He texted first, about still not being able to commit. Impulsive that I am, it took me 0 seconds to reply a goodbye. I know, real mature. Grow some balls to face things, yeah? So he came over to talk, to explain things.
I asked him why he came over. He paused and collected his thoughts. And proceeded to tell me about what he meant in his texts. Just 2 weeks ago he wanted us to be officially together, and now he's back to being flaky. He also said something about him always being the one to dictate what happens in our relationship. I said it was only because I was capable of adjusting, compromising. Not anymore though, I can't adjust my life for him anymore. I just gave it a try, I said.
He said he wants that once we decide to be together we'll be happy and it will be perfect. I laughed at this. I guess I didn't understand at the time. But the truth is, deep inside, I think that's what I want to. I want it to be perfect, because we are perfect and we have waited for this for too long. I think the problem is his guilt. He feels like our situation is unfair to me. Maybe it is. He asked me what I want. I said during our break I realized that I don't want anything casual anymore. It all just seems half-assed. And I don't do things half-assed.
I mustered a bit of courage and told him what I really want. Honestly, if you ask me, what I really want is for us to be together. But every time I go near that possibility, I back out. I just can't. I can't do it. He says he feels exactly the same. He says he already felt like that even before he started dating the other girl. I don't know why he mentioned this. Why is it relevant that he's thought of this before he dated the other girl? What is the significance of the other girl in our relationship? How does her existence play a role in all of this?
He says he needs assurance. I said, what? You mean that I need assurance from you, right? Because why you? Why would you need assurance from me? I think this is where I got lost. I didn't really understand what he meant. He mentioned their family business, their plan to migrate to Canada, and such. He said he feels like we should be doing something together. I said, no, we don't. We could be doing separate things and have a healthy relationship at the same time. In fact, that's a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship, being able to deal with life practically, individually, and still being together. I said, i'll be there for him if he needs help with his stuff while I'm still doing my own things. This is where it gets even more confusing. He was struggling to explain that it's because I'm... something... and then he mentioned that for example, if I was a devout Catholic, things would be simpler because I'd be automatically be under the man's wing. I didn't know how to explain it either. I said there's no point talking about the future because we're not together. It's irrelevant right now. But I said, if we were together, then we would be together. I'm not scared to compromise. I'm confident about who I am that I know that it will not make me less of a person if I make a compromise for my personal and romantic happiness. He made a notion that he understood but I'm not sure if he did.
Then it came to the part where we had to make a decision. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go to counselling. He seemed to scowl at the thought. Well, I tried. Naturally, I said that there's only two things--either we struggle resolving this together or we just go to a full stop. Wow, so brave, right? We decided to make a full stop. We'd still be friends around other friends, but not with each other.
He said because there's not assurance, there's a strong urge to date other people. I didn't understand what one thing has to do with the other though. He said that he didn't want to hurt me. Because he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. I laughed. I said I'd still be hurt either way--not being together just rids him of the guilt. He says he knows what his decisions in the future, but not right now. God, haven't I been here/have heard this before? Just a year ago, with X. Well, if I have been here before then I know that he'll come around. But it's the pride, the ego, that doesn't accept men who come around. The entire thing just turns me off. It's not even that I can't get past it. It just turns me off completely. But maybe I do really have to lower my standards--these are men, after all, that I'm dealing with. Yuck.
So, yeah, we ended up deciding that we're ending things.
As I kept thinking about it the past 2 days, I kept thinking that I'd compromise my life plan for the off chance that we really might make this work eventually. But maybe that's too easy. Maybe I should focus on fixing my life enough that when he or someone else comes, I'd really be, truthfully, ready to compromise.
Yup, P, I will fix my life and try not to get ahead of things. I will stay in the present and try not too plan too much for the future. Just be secure enough that I could jump ship at any time, because let's be true to ourselves, we'd want to get tired of this current life soon. I do want to be with you, but I'm not sure I'll be happy with what you have planned for us. I'm no basic girl, as you know. But promise me that I'll never get bored and our life will be a never ending adventure and I swear that I will make you the most loved person in the world. I guess, there. I guess that's what I wanted to say.
