Heavens forfend

 This is just one of those times that call for a blog entry.

3 weeks ago I made the decision to leave the company that I'm working in. I don't remember the feeling but I remember that I didn't want it anymore. I wanted to be free from going to work everyday and of course there is that commitment that I had for 2 full-length films. There was no way I could do the film with a full-time job.

And probably there is also that conundrum about not being paid highly enough and I wanted to explore upskilling so I could grow (and eventually get paid high enough).

Maybe I've been giving our Head as a reason for leaving but maybe it's really just me. Because I already know that she is not going to be regularized anyway and would even be taken out early if I would just say it.

Then last evening I was given an offer I'd be stupid to refuse.

It's been hard.

I feel like the opportunity is too good to pass up on.

Then again I also feel that it's too good to be true.

There might be a catch?

You're right.

About what we should or shouldn't have done. You're right.

Now we lay here, thinking about how we got here, how we got near.  And to what end. What we lost and what we could have gained.

Have we been trying too hard? How do we know when everything(/one) tells us that we're supposed to try hard? How do we know when it's too much?

How do we take the step forward knowing that we're on the wrong road in the first place?

Why do these things happen during the summer? When the heat stings and the hurt burns. 

It pains me to think that no matter hard we try, none of us will deserve this. Not because it's not good enough but because it's just different. We were always meant for different things. For the beautiful, the dazzling, and the romantic. Yet we're here, dining on mediocrity for sustenance, and pathetically doing it separately.

So maybe there is something about this heat and the tiredness of our bodies. Something about longing for wide, open spaces, and looking ahead at a boundless horizon, and feeling a million infinities.

So I haven’t written in a while

And it feels like a good idea to start again. This motivates me to get a new computer. Backreading my coming-of-age posts, I really had something going on. I may not have an extensive vocabulary but I had google and the ear for good rhythm. Maybe that’s enough to create content.

I’m stretching myself too thin these days. All hecause of FOMO. I want to do everything, learn everything, and earn all the monies.

I’m too cool to be working corporate jobs. Not saying this arrogantly but just the world would benefit more fi I would go back to being a half-assed bohemian and amuse the world with my what-nots.

Maybe being a writer will get tiring too since I get tired of everyhing anyway. But it’s probably something that I will always go back to. The same way that I always go back to music.

I should get serious with my ideas