putting up a business feels like a mix of everything i love to do

it's like creating an experiential space

it's like producing a film

it's bringing a concept to life

it's dynamic and crazy and full of adrenaline

maybe i need to be honest

i don't like it when my partner touches me whenever he wants to. it makes me cringe. i don't like that i don't feel good about how i look anymore. i don't like that we don't have a good sex life. i don't like that i don't feel good about myself when we have sex. i don't like that i always feel like he's looking at other women because that's how he has always been and he'll never change.

i have reached a state of numb

i'm going through this weird and scary state. that my mind and body are refusing to get hurt so it just stopped feeling anything. it's just nothing. no love, no hate, no sadness, no insecurities, no jealousy, no happiness, no fear, no excitement, no compassion. should i find a way to solve this? or should i just stay in the state so i don't have to deal with being hurt in the future? hmm

i think i'm getting tired of being nice. it's tiring. it requires effort. i'm tired of compromising. i'm tired of empathizing. i'm tired of being good.

Ang hirap kasi hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula

Hindi ko pa rin ma-heal ang sarili ko patungo sa secure and balanced na pakikipagrelasyon.

Wala akong balak mag-commit sa uncertainty. Wala akong balak ilagay ang sarili ko sa sitwasyon na hindi ako makakawala kapag nasaktan ako. Wala akong balak mapunta sa lugar na walang ibang mapupuntahan.

So ngayon, ako muna, sarili ko muna. Gagalingan ko muna.

Wala akong pakialam. Gusto ko lang sumaya.