T.H.

On Venting

2012-02-27T19:09:00.003+08:00

I haven't posted in, what, 2 or 3 days? But I have been writing a lot offline. I'm trying to chronicle my life from exactly a year ago. It has helped me view things objectively instead of simply reminiscing and romanticizing them.

The thing with feelings, you can't trust them. It spins you around from loop to loop just to find yourself right back where you started. With writing everything--and I mean everything, down to the most gruesome detail of a one-night stand--I was able to see things as they really were--a series of events and nothing more. And through the process, I found out that the solutions to the things that have been bothering me comes naturally to mind after I've finished writing all about it.

So, I'm thinking of doing the same here. I just feel like it's too risky. But hey, I've already posted more than I should, what's a few more, right?

It starts tonight. If my internet connection cooperates.

Soulmate

2012-02-24T17:18:00.000+08:00

(i picked the wrong time for doing this post but seize the emotion, right?)

i should have seen it. i should have read the clues. i should have known. i should have. could have. would have. but i didn't. i just didn't. i had let my pride push you away. i understand now. it wasn't your fault. it never was. it was mine and still is.

genuinely, i am happy for you. you and her. you deserve happiness. i would never take that away from you. after all, i just want the friendship back. we were soulmates. thought that was forever. thought we were. thought that after everything, we grew strong. but we didn't. we crumbled. we could have done something. but we didn't. and that's where it ends. we could have done something. but no. we didn't.

how could i had let my bestfriend be the one that got away? i miss you.

(didn't have the courage to publish this last night. saved it to my drafts. bleagh. whatever. i was sleep-deprived and depressed.)

Recovery

2012-02-24T02:40:00.002+08:00

I am frustrated that I deleted everything I wrote about/for "L" from that other blog! I wasted time writing those. Those weren't just drafts and random blabbering, it took me time to write them. Jeebus Crust. I don't care that they're about him. It's just that I could use it right now. Change it a bit and make it to something nice.

Oh, the things we delete when we're depressed.

Slow Mo

2012-02-24T01:35:00.000+08:00

Everything in slow motion

We almost put our lips together, then we hesitate

I move my body against yours

Your hands on my waist

Everything in slow motion

We knit our bodies, together

I hold myself out in front you

You tease my hair, pull my head back

Everything in slow motion

You turn me around with a sweet touch of force

You brush your body against mine

Slightly touching, tracing

A pinch, a stroke

a finger

made me moan.

Lovestoned.

Not Prose

2012-02-24T00:52:00.002+08:00

as I think of colors swirling
overlapping, blurring each other
i make out of it
a silhouette of
you
a sharp, clear view
of you

the outline stretched out in words
of something I wrote
something
something about
this one being the real one
the complex and the absurd
the difficult
endless, spiral

and then the yellow pink red blue
they spread above me
and beyond me and cover ahead
like huge majestic wings
and being trapped below
was just
the highest
the spectacular
cinematic, endless, spiral
sways, dances
i'm not getting out of here

Somebody's in love

2012-02-24T00:19:00.003+08:00

C and I spent some quality time today.

And the wall crumbled.

This feeling, makes it all bearable. I live for this feeling. No matter what I (or others) say or do, I'll always have this feeling to go back to. Everything else is forgotten. Loose ends are suddenly tied. What ifs become dreams and challenges of what tomorrow might hold.

I don't know what I'm talking about here. I find it seriously difficult to express myself when I'm happy.

And the list goes on

2012-02-23T11:05:00.001+08:00

C was supposed to come over for breakfast, to sort of make it up to me. Didn't happen.
I was also supposed to go to a job interview. Didn't happen. Horrible cramps. I can reschedule. If I feel like it.
Some days are just too hot. Too hot.

You Should Know

2012-02-23T01:09:00.001+08:00

C didn't visit. I really felt bad. In addition, I wasn't feeling "normal" again. But now I guess I am back to being okay. One hell of an emotional rollercoaster ride, I tell you.

I don't think I should see him for a while, maybe for just a couple of days. I think I need the space. I have to put my wall back up. Build up my defenses. Re-assess my disposition and how I see myself in this relationship.

But I know I wouldn't be able to stand it. One, I am, self-admittedly (and not proud of it), dependent to him. Two, I love (LOVE) having sex. Three and most importantly, he's currently the closest friend that I have.

So messed up.

Bipolarity

2012-02-22T18:52:00.003+08:00

OKAY, I AM FEELING SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

Anyway, L replied more than an hour later but whatever, that's not why I'm feeling good. I don't give a shiiiiiite.

C's coming over in a few hours. I KNOW. YEY!

Plus, well, I finally got my hormones balanced so...

GADDEMIT I HATE BEING LIKE THIS. I'm just thankful that I'm feeling okay now. Sometimes I get so depressed it scares me to think what I could be capable of doing.

So, that's it. YEY!

Pakyu

2012-02-22T17:15:00.001+08:00

Dahil hindi pelikula ang buhay, walang ending. Walang ma-dramang confrontation sa ilalim ng bumubuhos na ulan. Walang biglaang pag-blurt out ng totoong saloobin sa harap ng publiko. Walang reconciliation, walang closure. Meron lamang talo at panalo. Merong nakaisa at naisahan. At sabi nga ni C, ang susi ay tanggapin na minsan sa iyong buhay ay naisahan ka.

Gusto ko sanang pelikula na lang ang buhay. Mag-so-sorry s'ya, mag-so-sorry ako. Pwedeng maging magkaibigan kami, pwedeng hindi na. Pero masaya, magaan, walang hang-ups. Walang Charlie Nicholson (High Fidelity) at Summer (500 Days of Bullshit).

Pero dahil hindi ganon, galit na lang ang pwede kong maramdaman at bwisit. Ngayong pareho na kami ni C na bwisit sa kanya, baka may mangyari. Hindi kami 'yung bida. Kami 'yung bad guys. Baka nga parang Breaking Bad, sabi nga ni Jessie Pinkman, tanggap n'ya kung sino s'ya, s'ya 'yung bad guy. Ako hindi ako 'yung bad guy. Pero malay natin, baka para sa eksenang ito lang. Dahil naisahan ako. Buti pa sa Closer, may mga paghaharap na nagaganap bagkus magulo. Ngunit hindi sa tunay na buhay.

Sa tunay na buhay, tiis-tiis lang. Hindi mo masasampal ang gusto mong sampalin. Hindi mo maririnig ang sorry na gusto mong marinig. Sa mga oras na 'to masama ang mga naiisip ko, gusto kong manira ng buhay. Pero alam kong hindi ako ganoon. At alam kong hindi ko gagawin 'yon.

Sabagay, kung ano man 'yung mga kasalanan n'yang 'yon, pinagbayaran n'ya na 'yon. Pero mukhang ako ngayon pa lang.

ANG DRAMA KO. Masyado akong maraming alam. Ako naman kasi 'tong masama ang ugali.

O s'ya. 'Yun lang. May masabi lang.

----

Dinededma ako ni C. Wala lang. Tampo hits. Hehe.

I feel so

2012-02-22T16:11:00.000+08:00

Under the unbelievably fucking hot weather. It's that time of the month when no matter what you do, nothing can save you from your own self-pitying and wallowing. Even without the self-pitying and wallowing, still, nobody can save you from yourself.

Well, L is online. I feel like saying Hi and at the same time I don't. Imagine having a small talk while on a rollercoaster, an emotional rollercoaster. Plus, he wouldn't understand anymore, we've grown apart. He's there and I'm... I'm nowhere. It would be like this:

Me: Hey yo!
L: Yo
Me: Kamusta?
L: Okay lang.
Me: Balita?
L: Ganon pa rin
Me: Ayos.

See? Now that I posted that I feel like I need to prove that I'm right. But I won't. Or maybe I will.

I wish C's online. He's the one I really feel like talking to right now.

I don't even have cellphone credits for the love of all things holy and unholy!

Knee-deep shit. That doesn't even come close to describing what I am in right now. A quicksand that never really engulfs you, it just pulls you down slowly, scares you, stumps your breath, threatens to swallow you, but it doesn't. It just lets you hang around there. Wait for the end that will not come, which makes it more horrible than the end.

And the worst of it all, it's not even summer yet. I have no excuse for this vortex. Everyone's doing great, acting fine and dandy, with sunshine and rainbows and their eat-pray-love ideologies. (Excuse me while I throw up.) I can't be the only one going through shit like this.

This is also why I'm scared of growing old. I am sure that I'm going to be like this forever: hormonal, depressed, emotionally unstable. And that's not cute when you're 30. I am sure if I'm still like this by then there will be no one else left to stand by me and put up with my lunacy.

I can't wait for summer. Summer's my thing. It's during summer when people see me as a young, normal individual just being young and normal.

---

So, yes, I did it. I messaged him. Just to prove myself right. I do that. See? It's all crazy here. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hey yo!

And then about 10 seconds passed and then I went offline.

And then another 10 seconds and I'm back online.

Okay, so I'm wrong. WHATEVER.

---

This is so difficult. C, where are you? Friends, where are you? Of course I know where you are. Busy living your lives. I also am busy living mine, being sucked by said quicksand, WHICH I WISH WOULD JUST FREAKING SWALLOW ME TO GET IT DONE AND OVER WITH FOR HEAVEN'S SAKE.

No one to talk to, no one to talk to. I miss having housemates. I miss going to school. Well, there's always Chatroulette, if only I wanted to get visually raped!

---

Okay, so how long have I been typing now? I'm not sure. It's an endless spiral. AND I AM COMPLETELY FUKKEN SOBER. Oh, woe is me.

Okay, that kind of hurt. L didn't even reply. Friendship completely over then. My fault of course. But that's not the issue here. The issue is I have nobody to talk to.

---

And it's so hot. It may not be summer yet but it is hot.

---

It pierces through. It hurts inside, to the core of the soul and then back out to the tips of the hair on my arms.

Dear Diary

2012-02-22T00:55:00.000+08:00

I miss having a diary. I used to keep a diary when I was young where I poured all my pent-up emotions and chronicled everything that happened to me during the day. Sometimes I would even write something fictitious or exaggerate my stories a little bit just so it would seem more adventurous. I feel bad that I didn't keep any of them. Back then, I would even go as far as secretly dying my hair just so I have something fun to write on my diary. Hell, that was the most fun that I could get when I was fourteen, on the same level with sneaking out of the house to see the lunar eclipse. Just in front of the house, mind you.

Since I was a kid, I've always been fascinated with secrets and doing things secretly. I like the thrill of it. Nothing excites me more than doing things in secret. I even formed a secret group when I was fifteen. We were called the "White Shadow." We would go from doing pranks to sending secret love letters. And I, was the mastermind. Of course I let someone else be called the Mastermind, because I had to be the director. I had to plan everything, including who should be the Professor X. We could go way, way back, when I was 8 or 9 or 10, I formed an exclusive group called "The Craft" which is obviously inspired by the movie. Sadly, I don't remember what we did in our group. I really should have kept those diaries.

Then I had secret blogs. A bunch of them. All over the WWW. It's very risky. It has gotten me into trouble twice. On bizarrely very similar occasions. My ex found out that "something happened" between me and my workmate because I left my e-mail open and he was able to read my blog posts because apparently blog post forwarding to my e-mail was turned on. Me and the guy weren't even sleeping together then. We slept together eventually. The second time was when C found out that "something happened" between me and another workmate ("L"), on which I eventually confessed that we slept together. There, not exactly my target market of audience. Despite everything, I'm still here, obviously. Ranting away. Exposing my entire existence and putting it in compromise.

Anyway, I just wrote this so I could babble about babbling secretly, and because I just thought that I should make an effort to post more often even though they are completely nonsensical. That's the point of having a secret diary, after all.

Reality

2012-02-20T03:48:00.000+08:00

I figured now is the time to say something.

I've been spiraling. I'm trying to figure things out. So far I'm stagnant; a breeding ground for everything not wanted.

In other news, C and I bumped into L and his girlfriend last Feb 14. In C's words, "What are the odds?" One important thing, I've always known that it was going to happen sooner or later, in one way or another. I had played the possible scenarios in my head maybe more than a couple of times before. But then, when it happened, I didn't exactly act nicely. I did high-five him back, and (barely) shook the hand (in the coldest way) offered by his girlfriend, and then proceeded on ignoring them the next couple of minutes. C is the best. I honestly admire how congenial he can be (despite how evil he thinks he is/can be.) He was perfectly civil, nice, and all-smiles to the two. Thank goodness I have him. (I love you!)

Now, the next thing I would be babbling about would be how I kind of feel guilty for purposely ignoring them and being "mataray", but truthfully, that was what I was felt at the time. I'm not trained in masking my emotions, and my face is just naturally expressive.

I realize now that the only reason I didn't act pleasant because I am just not. Introduce me to whoever for the first time and guaranteed, he or she'll get an I-Ignore-You-Get-Out-Of-My-Face treatment. (Miserably enough, pretending to be enthusiastic about something isn't my specialty.) Pure and simple.

Now, the issue with "L". I would still want to be friends with him someday but only until C feels comfortable with it. Until then, I will continue ignoring the person. He had already gotten everything he wanted. Story ends there I suppose.

Just had to get these out of my thoughts. He was special, in a purely platonic way. And this, is not easy. But I'm taking C's advice, acceptance is key. All I need is time, and guess what, I got a handful right now.

It's not easy to lose a friend, and even less to let go of the friendship, but it can be done. I am not being emotional here, it just is true. I'm happy (depressed sometimes, but that's me) and obviously he is too. I'm not getting in the way of that.

I need a bestfriend. Anyone?

(Typed under the influence of Tita V so forgive me. Eyelids are weighing down. Can't double check. Goodbye for now.)

2012-02-16T05:09:00.000+08:00

I was going to post something, and then I got wasted.

Doubts

2012-01-21T04:01:00.000+08:00

Just when you think you have made the right decision, something tells you that maybe you should take a good second look.

Trying.

2012-01-19T04:44:00.001+08:00

I'm stuck again. Which if based solely on past experiences, the only chance of getting out is by getting a full-time job. A full-time job where I'll last a few weeks or maybe even months before I burn out and quit. Story of my life.

But.

I'm thinking of trying something different this time. Problem is, I no longer have the will, confidence, and self-esteem for it. I lost all that during to the unfortunate event that is called the year 2011.

So, by next week I will get a full-time job, any full-time job. And then whatevs. I'm not exactly in the generous mood of giving the universe even the slightest fuck. Just not worth it. Oh, goody.

Sistema.

Unang PMS ng taon, bring it on.

2012-01-14T08:33:00.001+08:00

Doing my best to control my mood swings. Hormones are on a rampage. They want to go on a mass killing spree.

Try not to piss me off.

Blah

2012-01-06T01:09:00.002+08:00

Blah = my life

2011

2011-12-31T16:37:00.000+08:00

Patawarin nawa, pero ngayon ko lang talaga na-realize na ang ultimate song of 2011 ko ay Rolling in the Deep. Pak!

Last Week of December Ever

2011-12-29T02:23:00.000+08:00

Learned that a gay friend, Martin, just moved in near C's place. Met up with him. Then decided to crash a house party, which was apparently a pool party we weren't prepared for. Got crazy drunk. We were literally forced to drink from the bottle straight up without chaser. Fun people. Fun, wild, virgin, and hella rich people.

After getting drunk.

We decided to tag along with Martin to a gay club in a gimik spot located in Ortigas. It was so much fun. I was just dancing and jumping and singing. It was the most fun I've had in a while. I kept scanning the club for girls I could dance with, but no luck.

Went to the bathroom, which was outside the bar but just inside the building. On my way back to the bar I pulled the fire alarm. *RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINNNNNNNGGGG*

The guards were on me so when I got back to the bar I asked C for his hoodie so I could hide my face.You couldn't hear the ringing inside the bar because the music was too loud. (That place is definitely a fire hazard.) I certainly remember proudly grinning when I was telling C that I pulled the fire alarm.

Then, it was as if nothing happened. They probably turned the alarm off or something. Didn't care.

I remember complaining that I couldn't find anybody to dance with because everyone there were gay guys who weren't interested in dancing with a girl. Someone (I don't remember who) pointed out the girl in the corner, almost as if daring me to go up to her. So I asked the girl to dance. And dance away we did. She wasn't good-looking. Didn't care at the time.

Then apparently later on I demanded C that we go home. C says I puked my guts out in the cab. Then I puked some more when we got to his place. He was teasing me the next day that I have a new bestfriend--the planggana.

The girlfriend of his roommate says we got home around 6 AM and we were fighting. It went something like this:

Me: I need a locker!
C: Wait.
Me: I need a locker now!
C: Wait, I'm looking for it--wait, what?! You need a locker?!

I woke up with the worst hangover I've ever had in my life. I couldn't move. My innards felt sensitive and mushy. But my clothes have been changed and C bought me mami for breakfast. The sweetest thing. I popped a V and spent the whole day sleeping. When I woke up at night I still wasn't feeling well so I stayed in.

So, yeah, that's it. My average life. At least I got to pull a fire alarm.

Oh and, the most important thing, I know I am loved. HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Sometimes

2011-12-29T01:30:00.001+08:00

I swore I'd figure this thing out before the year ends so...

Sometimes I want to ask, "Can I unfriend you?" But there seems no polite way of saying this. And can you just Eternal Sunshine someone from your life? I tried to, but to no avail.

We've been really good friends but sometimes I feel like I cannot move on with my life with you still in it. Just sometimes though. Most times I'm perfectly fine and happy.

And C is very special to me and I do not want to lose him.

Okay, still unresolved. Better luck tomorrow.

2011: One Hard F* Y*

2011-12-28T23:17:00.000+08:00

Yes, 2011, FUCK YOU.

1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before?
Had a one-night stand, pulled a fire alarm of a building (for the heck of it), danced my pride away (in Cubao X, a couple of times), went into a gay club and asked a girl to dance (for the heck of it), worked with the Wardrobe Dept, got published, smoked a joint in a public place

2. Did you keep your new year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I do not remember having any resolutions. I haven't thought about that yet actually.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes. Even sort-of babysat one of them.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. RIP.

5. What countries did you visit?
I don't suppose kalawakan counts, so none.

6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?
What I've always wanted: a best friend. That one true, constant companion who is not the boyfriend.

7. What date(s) from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
I would say that the whole year has been tattooed on my forehead as the most eventful year ever but truth is, I'm bad with dates.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
SURVIVING. It was a tough, tough year for me.

9. What was your biggest failure?
Not being able to keep my mouth shut on that one big secret. (I was also bad with handling money, but telling the truth when I shouldn't be was I think the worst decision I made this year.)

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Fell down the stairs, bumped my left temple on the cab hard while drunk (still hurts), insensitivity, extreme cases of hangover, immaturity, an abnormal case of fatigue (or laziness, whatever),

11. What was the best thing you bought?
The best suede boots in the world. I get to wear it everywhere. This completely sounds not like me--you know, obsessing over a pair of shoes, but style+practicality gets three thumbs-ups on my book. It was like custom-made for my lifestyle. I swear, okay?

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
Mine. Yes, I'm conceited like that. And that does not deserve merit. So I'm kind of contradicting myself here.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
Three of my best guy friends. Especially C I guess. But we're good now! Really.

14. Where did most of your money go?
The high cost of living.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Varekai, Bamboo's new album as a solo artist (I know, I know), Niño (inspite of all the challenges), Deftones' concert too, I guess.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?
You don't expect me to choose just one, do you? Paper Bag by Fiona Apple (for the summer), I'll Be Yours by Those Dancing Days (after summer), Do You Realize? by The Flaming Lips (that's the entire year on this one), Your Song by Ellie Goulding (sadder days), Moving Away by My Morning Jacket (obviously), that Fish Story song, Teenage Kicks by Nouvelle Vague, everything Zee Avi, and Pomplamoose and of course There's A Hole in My Pocket by J. Kap ft. Alec Roeser. Know what, I should make an entire post out of this question alone. Jeez.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

I. happier or sadder?
Both years had been tough. I had more happier days in 2010 I think. Yes, I think so. (It's hard to answer this one because everything just looks better in retrospect.)

II. thinner or fatter?
I was fattest on the first half of 2010, thinnest on the 2nd half of 2010 and first half of 2011? Oh, the skinny bitch.

III. richer or poorer?
Richer on most days. La vie boheme!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Lying? HAHAHAHA. Seriously, I think I've done enough this year. More than enough. I actually wish I'd done less. But I think I should have traveled more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
A-ha! Overthinking.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
n/a

21. Did you fall in love in 2011?
Fall in and out of love over and over again.

22. How many one-night stands?
One. Maybe the last in this lifetime? You never know.

23. What was your favourite TV program?
Weeeeell, there are days when the line between real life and sitcom becomes blurry. Ha! I love Community and The Misfits. Starting on Breaking Bad too. But I had too many fun memories watching Gossip Girl with friends.

24. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Sadly, yes.

25. What was the best book you read?
I can't remember the title. "Drawing a Blank," was it? Or something like that.

26. What was your greatest musical discovery? I love Zee Avi, and Thao with the Get Down Stay Down, and Mates of State, and The Joy Formidable, and Architecture in Helsinki.

27. What did you want and get?
I always get what I want, haven't you figured that out already? Kidding. A lot of things, to be fair. My oh my, I'm not one to count blessings, am I? Must learn to be more grateful. Now that one I think would make a great new year's resolution.

28. What did you want and not get?
I wanted him (note the past tense) and did not get him (again, past tense.)

29. What did you not ask for but get?
Issues. A big level up in Life Challenges' difficulty.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Fish Story. Was it shown this year? Anyway, I saw it this year.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
Turned twenty-three. Worked. Ate a lot. The day itself was mediocre but I didn't feel bored nor pressured. Was still celebrating it by drinking two months later.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Had I kept things to myself. The only one thing I still regret.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?
Laid-back--ergo, I don't have money to shed on clothes so I only wear the good and comfortable ones I have.

34. What kept you sane?
Haven't thought about this till now. My siblings, maybe? I love them to bits. And venting online. This blog? Ha. Friends, sometimes.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Jim Morrison always and forever. Yes, C says its weird to fancy a dead person. I've grown a huge crush with Adam Levine. I KNOOOW. I just realized it now. And that actor from The Misfits, his character's name is Nathan.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
EVERYTHING, of course. I still stand by my principles. Only the faces change, not the system. The case of human rights violations is appalling.

37. Who did you miss?
A lot of people I was with during the summer. Like I said, my youth ended with the summer.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
Sometimes I regret meeting him but at the same time we were really good friends and I couldn't have survived half the shit I was going through had it not been for him. Yes, the one-night stand guy. Although I realize now what a big mistake everything was. And if there's such thing as a wrong friendship, ours was it. On a lighter note, the production staff of Niño, I guess, and the people from Varekai. They. Are. Great.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:
Keep your mouth shut. And another important thing, I have a bright bourgeois hypocritical future ahead of me if I pursue the corporat shite but my principles just won't let me. And for now, I'm fine with that.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"And instead of saying all of your goodbyes - let them know
You realize that life goes fast
It's hard to make the good things last
You realize the sun don' go down
It's just an illusion caused by the world spinning round" -Do You Realize?, The Flaming Lips

All I Want

2011-12-26T03:09:00.001+08:00

I want to make peace, not to everyone, but to some. But I don't intend to push things just to "start the year right." New year superstitions will not dictate this. Timing will. And I don't think we're there yet.

I'll figure this out before the year ends. I promise.

I Feel Cheated

2011-12-26T02:34:00.001+08:00

My friend told me how she got devirginized on Christmas Eve in what could have been just a one night stand. And compared to the only one night stand I had ever had in my life, her experience was far better. Ugh. She was taken care of. They even cuddled. While I, I did all the work. Dammit. What was wrong with me?! Oh yeah, I was on the rebound. Fuck.

Cybertron?

2011-12-24T01:36:00.001+08:00

I want to have online friends. Uhm, how?

Oh, and

2011-12-24T00:10:00.002+08:00

RIP to a friend. We were not exactly the "we-confess-to-each-other-our-secrets" type of friends but you were a good guy and when we would bump into each other it had always been on good times with good company and good vibes. You had always been nice to me and this loss has made me rethink a lot of things in life. A lot of people are missing you already! Rock and roll sa taas.

What is December Part 2

2011-12-23T23:53:00.001+08:00

Going out without passing out. Getting back together. (That comforting scent of familiarity.) Seeing your bestfriends. Not seeing your other bestfriends. Finally saying "What's up?" to the other bestfriends. Drinking tea instead of beer. Actually showing up at social gatherings. Eating your heart out. Loving. A whole lotta loving.

On Living Up to Christmas

2011-12-23T23:52:00.003+08:00

Normally, I'd be happily watching my downloads and reading long-forgotten second-hand books, but since tomorrow is Christmas Eve I feel like I need to be doing something else. I have always loved and enjoyed the Holidays. I was the spoiled kid who always got her perfect ending for an entire year of being both naughty and nice.

You know what, I just feel pressured. There's nothing here.

NEGATIVE

2011-12-13T21:06:00.001+08:00

The Scare

2011-12-12T18:09:00.002+08:00

Somehow I feel like I should write about this just so I can finally put it out there, but on the other hand if i put it into writing, it would make it real. As if it can get any more real than this. If I write about it, it means that I accept that, indeed, it scares me. That I have to face it, and do something about it. That I have to decide -- if "it" really is there inside me, will I keep it?

In the past, I've always been decisive that if it does happen to me, I'd opt for what I think is the more sensible decision considering the circumstance, because I know that I am not ready for it, I am not stable enough for it. But now that it is actually happening, I am not so sure anymore.

But really, I should take the test first.

Iaminthatmoment

2011-12-08T00:22:00.001+08:00

Truthfully, there are a lot of things bothering me at this very moment. But, also, I am in that moment when I need focus on the more pressing matters. Like activism.

Sigh.

Maybe tomorrow?

I need rest.

And I need to find out what's going on with my body. I'm either sick or pregnant. Or, okay, fine, just depressed.

What is December Part 1

2011-12-01T12:44:00.001+08:00

It means listening to that playlist or thatsong without feeling like you’re opening a wound. It means not being swallowed bysadness but enjoying a bittersweet nostalgia instead. It means saying “I’mhappy for you” without a sudden rise in pitch. It means looking forward towhat’s next. It means shooing away the shoulda-woulda-couldas,what-could-have-beens, and what-ifs.

It means finally accepting everything thathas ended. It means smiling in your head, while remembering the bliss of themoments while they lasted. It means looking back, but not with regrets. Itmeans your year is coming. It means “own it.”

So.

Not to the banging end of a lousy 2011 butof an eventful year. Not to the mistakes and failures, but to the “learningexperiences.” Not to the evil bosses, but to the higher self-worth youdeveloped. Not to the opportunities you missed, but to the risks you took. Notto the oppressors, but to the gallant fighters. Not to the friend you lost, butto the memories you created. Not to getting your heart broken, but to havingfriends to run to when it did. Not to the love that has finally ended, but tothe relationship you built with yourself.

To the long stares. To looking away. Totaking his hand. To letting go. To knowing it’s not yours to take.

To music . (Of course, to music.) To getting drunk. To swearing it will nothappen again. To getting drunk with good company. To dancing. To not getting drunk with good company. To the love-haterelationships. To loving like a child. To growing up.

To the circus of life and the magic. To thesummer in the city and youth. Tocreating art and relationships. To being independent but dependent to goodfriends. To living life on the edge and challenging yourself. To compromisingsafety for the joy of learning. To all things beautiful. To cliches, andcreating new cliches. CHEERS.

I BADLY WANT A GOOD DEPENDABLE CAMERA

2011-11-29T22:05:00.001+08:00

On Bloggin

2011-11-20T21:39:00.001+08:00

Finding it hard to start even a short blog post these days. I miss ink and paper too much.

TTFN MNL

2011-11-13T23:00:00.001+08:00

Truth is, I'm nervous. It's a bit scary to be going away for five days with people who are practically strangers. And really, this is not the best time of the month, if you know what I mean. Buuuut I shall make the most out of this. I shall have fun.

I shall not think (much) of the people and friendships I miss. I shall leave all my worries and baggage behind. I shall take a time off (while working, of course) from all of this, whatever this is. I shall not bitch about anything. I shall find inner peace.

Inhale.

Exhale.

Not with a fizzle, but with a bang

2011-11-13T14:13:00.001+08:00

Know what, if you don't want to be my friend, fine. I just have to make the most of what's left of my life now. Meet new people, work hard, see new places, keep things positive.

I'm not going to do what I used to: avoiding confrontations, escaping, carrying a heart of hard, cold stone. This time I'm not going to stop giving a fuck. I'm not unfriending anyone and I won't roll my eyes when I hear your names. What I'm going to do is I'm going to stop doing things my way. I know where I went wrong and it's up to me to make things right. I'm going to try to be nicer and happier.

I hope that eventually this would make me a better person and friend.

"Inner peace."

❝ I WILL NOT RESENT,I WILL NOT BLAME YOU,FOR YOUR CALLOUSED HEART,SOMETIMES THAT’S THE ONLY WAY TO CONTINUE.…BUT I WILL KEEP FEELING,EVEN IF IT KILLS ME,BECAUSE APATHY IS NOT LIVING ❞ -Renee Yohe

Playing Catch-Up with Thyself

2011-11-12T17:03:00.001+08:00

Whoa, whoa, whoa, slow down there, cowgirl. Next thing I know you'll be flying to London trying your luck as a high-class call girl.

But I like it fast. I get a certain high when life twirls me around and drives me crazy. I just came back from Tarlac two days ago out of a spontaneous "raket" and I'm leaving again on Monday for Camarines Sur for the Ad Congress.

Maybe this is really what I should be doing--that is, not settling. Who was I kidding when I went for the normal, boring life? I know it wouldn't work out well for me but I wanted to give it a try. I'll probably give it a try again in a few months as even I can't predict my whims. Yes, whims. I am used to acting on whims. Going to different places, doing different things, earning, and not saving. I like it bohemian, like you.

So for now, I will deprive myself of rest and Imma live it fast. And because I don't have to answer anybody I'll get all the rest (and partying) I want and need when I get back. Maybe.

Warning: RAAAAANT

2011-11-03T01:19:00.000+08:00

Ito 'yung isa mga panahong gustung-gusto ko lang talagang umamats. Ang dekadente at ang junkie pakinggan pero, wala e, live fast and die young. That was the plan, at least. Anong nangyari, D?

Sobrang fucked up ng 2011. Sobrang daming masasalimuot na pangyayari na pinilit ko namang ayusin, pero mukhang may mga bagay na ganoon na lang talaga. Sabi ko nga gusto ko na lang sana ng normal at boring na buhay pero mukhang hindi na ipagkakaloob sa 'kin 'yun unless bitawan ko lahat ng bagahe at magsimula ulit. As in simula.

Sa tingin ko kaya ko naman kung tutuusin. Ang mawala sa 'kin lahat ng 'to? Hindi ko ikamamatay. Sa umpisa siguradong mahirap, pero alam kong kaya naman. Nasa paggawa ng kondisyon naman 'yan. Ang iniisip ko lang naman ay ang mga taong involved.

Unang-una si L (see previous posts), mabait lang talaga s'yang tao. Pinagsisisihin n'ya 'yung nangyari sa 'min. Hindi kaya ng pagkatao (at pride na rin siguro) n'ya na mayroon s'yang hindi kasundong tao sa mundong ito kaya rin nagkabati kami agad. Masyado s'yang pa-cool para maging kupal sa taong walang ginawa kundi maging mabait sa kanya. Oo, pa-cool din s'ya. Masaya na s'ya sa kanyang perfectly crafted little world ngayon, bakit ko pa guguluhin? Maging accessory na lang ako at maging kaibigan sa kung anong paraang convenient sa kanya.

Pangalawa si C, hindi naman madaling iwan na lang basta-basta ang taong nakasama mo na sa langit at lusak nang mahigit dalawang taon. Mahal ko rin naman 'yung tao. At hindi ko ma-imagine kung ano kaya ang mga kaya n'yang gawin kung sakaling iwan ko s'ya. Alam kong sisirain n'ya rin ang lahat. Kung lalayo ako sa kanya, makabubuting lumayo na ako sa lahat.

Sabi ng marami kong kaibigan, hindi na maibabalik sa dati. Hindi na rin magbabago pa patungo sa mas mabuti. Magiging ganito na lang ka-kumplikado palagi kaya mas mabuti pang palayain ko na lang ang sarili ko. At least sarili ko man lang maisalba ko.

Sana sila na lang ang maunang sumuko. Sana magalit na lang sila sa 'kin at 'wag na 'kong kibuin. Hindi ko kayang kusang lumayo.

The Devil Can't Afford Prada

2011-11-02T23:54:00.000+08:00

Gera? Slash that.
Palawan? Nah.
Backpacking in Aurora? Meh.

My last day at work was supposedly last Thursday and they swore they would release my pay the day after, but since they practically begged me to stay until today so I can "train" the new EAs, I did not get a cent. It was unfair and, needless to say, illegal (Hello, Labor Code?) but I thought, sure, fine, let's do this, just one last favor and I am out of here.

Today I just found out that they won't be giving my almost two months worth of pay until the 15th. "Baka 15." was the exact reply I got. Holy jeebus crust motherfudge! I am so infuriated I can't even begin--

My own anger isn't enough to express how angry I should be. So just empathize and be angry with me. Maybe all our anger will harness all the forces in the land and the cosmos, and create a ray-gun that would destroy corporate greed along with my, ehem, horrible bosses. But as I do not believe in karma, someone has to do something about this. Maybe I will, when I'm not too lazy.

In the meantime, be angry with me.

Dahil sa Totoo Lang, Ayokong Pumasok Bukas

2011-11-01T10:45:00.000+08:00

Last night was a warm-up for my week-long (or two-week-long?) gera. Did what I usually did. Drank and took whatever. But I am proud to say that I did everything with grace (or close enough, at least). I think I've had enough of walwalan. Honestly, it's more fun when you don't have to crawl your way into the restroom and try to barf into the toilet bowl only to miss. I am also proud to announce that it was a sin-free night. Tralalalalalalala. Oh, I missed this.

But anyway, I still have to go back to work tomorrow. Else, they won't give me my pay. Fucking unbelievable. They were even expecting me to transcribe a two-hour interview over the long weekend. Mukha n'yo, hello? Hindi ko nga ginawa.

Leaving that company might just have been the wisest decision I made this year..

AYOKONG PUMASOK BUKAS, NYETA.

Gera II

2011-10-31T11:28:00.002+08:00

Dear ever-loyal diary,

I declare the next two weeks to be my summer and post-birthday celebration (my umpteenth celeb since my real birthday on August). And you know what happens during the summer. Plus I will be able to do anything since it's my 'birthday.' Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it's gera time once again.

Sit back, relax, and enjoy the freak show.

A whole lotta love,
23 but none the wiser

Midnight Blue Pill on a Halloween Sunday

2011-10-31T00:18:00.000+08:00

Tonight's MGB Halloween special makes me nostalgic about a lot of things and kind of makes me want to write about those memories too. But I won't. Hah.

My plans of going backpacking has long been overdue. And I can't even say that money is the problem. It's my budgeting... or just me, plainly. I always have too much fun in the city that I never really felt the need of taking a time off away from the "contemporary" life. Fine, in actuality, I get "walwal" and spend my money on "amats," whatever you may think it to be. Lately, though, I think I'm becoming too "makalat." I need to get a grip of myself and bring some peace into my life, no matter how temporary or false.

All I'm trying to say is, I'm planning a trip. But I'm still not totally sure if I'm going. Maybe I should, and maybe I need to. Maybe I miss being 20, or 21. Maybe I need to grow up. Because the more I get walwal the more I feel guilty the next day. The more I feel that it's not the same as two or three years ago, and it never will be. People around me have grown up. It's no longer 2010 when all of us were living la vie bohemme (a.k.a. bordering on being bums), and it's definitely not 2009 when all of us were... just out there. I have decided that 2012 should be different, it will not be about looking back on things that were. It should and will be something new.

I thought that I should start now.

Go backpacking.

Meet new people.

Get a new job.

C won't be back until around the 18th, so allow me to just consider this as a test. If we're still okay, in a sense, even after he gets back, then we are okay. If not, well, I just hope that we would be both happy wherever we may be come that time.

Come to think of it, moving on is like getting a tattoo. You've been obsessed with the idea of getting one for so long but never really gotten around to having it done. Right time comes when you finally decide that this is it, I'm getting one, even though you know it would hurt like hell, and you're scared that it would. But you're also excited about finally having it. In the middle of the session you might scream or cry, or even think about quitting the whole thing and just leave it hanging and unfinished. But you have to hang in there. Afterwards, when it's done, it's just pure bliss and satisfaction. It would itch every now and then for the first couple of weeks, reminding you of what you've been through to get that little new piece of joy. You don't regret anything. It was the wisest decision you've ever made.

Or I could be wrong and just babbling. We'll see.

Post-Job Post

2011-10-13T23:41:00.001+08:00

I dare not let October reach its second half without ranting about it. Soooooo, (one of the best things about blogging, I can exaggerate spelllliiiiings) I have already handed in my two weeks notice today. Least to say, morning in the office was awkward. Though there are a lot of things I hate about the working conditions and environment in our company, my resignation still saddens me a teensy-weensy bit. Anyway, I would have helped them improve and develop their system of doing stuff had they been nicer. The super bosses are actually kind and cool, albeit sometimes unreasonably strict. It's the immediate supervisors I could not and would never stand, hence the resignation. (But I don't like to dwell on these kinds of things as I have changed a lot lately and now prefer to always move forward--without looking back.)

October has been very busy--as well as September, actually--and that's fine with me. I like it when time flies fast. What isn't fine is the salary I get. I already don't spend much at this rate because all I do is work. All I'm ever at is the office and my parents' house and the money I get still doesn't get me by. And I'm not being maarte. Life's been really tough for everybody and I've chosen the wrong time for this job. Everything's just so expensive these days that I can't afford to get jobs I actually, really, ultimately like. I have to choose the job I somehow like that also actually, really, ultimately pays.

Varekai paid fairly, paid better than most even, but at that time there was actually a job offer from another company that was willing to pay even more. I didn't choose to get that job because my conscience, body, and soul would not allow me to trade the Varekai experience for anything else. But I think this job that I have now is worth trading. It's time to trade the experience for something worth more bucks because that's what my immediate needs dictate. It's a sad, sad world, people, where economics is the foundation of everything. I just hope it works out for me.

I need a job. Anyone?

Working with Magazines When She Doesn't Know How to Write

2011-09-24T00:35:00.001+08:00

Somehow blogging doesn't feel to be an integral part of my life anymore lately. Maybe I should get a real blog. I made one but it's already been a month and there's still only one post in that white space. When I got this Editorial Assistant job, I was so messed up because I was so used to typing randomly (like what I'm doing now), following my well-scattered thoughts. Now that's not good when you're writing features. Now, blogging does not appeal to me because I get so O.C. that I always feel like I have to copyedit, I need to copyedit. So tonight, I thought I'd give it a try once again, blogging, writing aimlessly about what's in my head. See? There, I think I was able to do it. Put smiley here.

Mad with the World

2011-09-24T00:24:00.000+08:00

I expect too much from this universe! HELLO, WORLD, WHY ARE YOU FAILING ME?! I mean, from all its wonders and for all its greatness, you'd think, there's something in there! There's something more than all this! But whyyyyyyyy? Why the repressive society? Why the fucking patriarchy? Why all this inequality, injustice, and last but not the least, stupidity still reigning over us since time immemorial? Isn't everything so obvious already? For the love of all things holy and beautiful, everything is so simple! We don't have to look for the answers, because we have them! All we have to do is... well, do something!

Oh, good goddess, am I to die in vain? Oh, hell and heaven, I digress.

I'm Fine

2011-09-12T23:59:00.000+08:00

I have come to the conclusion that I now prefer to be alone than have people weighing me down. I enjoy the weekly social mingling, catching up (like I listen), and drinks, but nothing more than that. I refuse to fall into the trap again and sign the social contract they call friendship. I was Strawberry Shortcake for a while, and I just ended up being hurt. Never will I allow myself to get into that "feelings" game again, for I am here to rule the world. Welcome the crazy bitch back.

DQ

2011-09-12T22:40:00.001+08:00

Drama Queen. I'm starting to become ma-drama again. It has something to do with C, yes. Label or no, I can't deny that at some level, we're back together. And sometimes I feel like I can't take it. I can't be loved. It's too unfair. I get hurt too much. And I end up hurting the partner even more. I'd rather grow old a cat-lady knitting sweaters for non-existent grandchildren.

Girl Anachronism

2011-09-12T22:32:00.002+08:00

I don't think I can be with anyone in this lifetime. Mali lang talaga akong tao. Halaman. Cactus pa nga.

Mayabang Ako

2011-09-11T23:45:00.001+08:00

Dahil sa totoo lang, naniniwala ako sa sarili ko. Bow.

In Other, More Important, Lighter News

2011-09-11T22:50:00.003+08:00

I think I just discovered an alter-ego last Friday. It has been a while since I've allowed myself to go crazy and I wasn't expecting it to happen after a hard day's work when all I really wanted to do was be lazy and sleep.

Okay, it was a really shitty day and I thought a pop of V would help. And then of course I drank, which I don't do often anymore. Result: Dancing. Dancing, which, for your information, is an act I don't do much. I like the idea and yes, I like doing it but I do have an image to protect so I try to stay away from doing it in public as much as I can. By that I mean, to hell and high water, nobody can force me to dance when I don't feel like it. I can sway and move a little, but dance? No, siree, I don't do dancing. But it was a Friday night and in a normal, boring, conventional life, people get crazy on Friday nights. Being new to this normal, boring, conventional system of living, I fell into that trap. At some level, I am embarrassed, but, I also know that I had A LOT of fun. I just wish I looked better and was wearing better clothes that night. Ang arte ko. But really, someone dancing is only a spectacle if he or she looks good while doing it. Oh jeezus, my superficial first world westernized girl problems.

Maybe I really should get back to being an activist. Bumaliktad ang mundo. I'm the Inside-Out Girl now.

I Need My Anti-Depressants

2011-09-11T22:41:00.003+08:00

What's happening to me is very unreasonable. I should be happy. I would be if I were normal. But I never was and I don't think I can ever be. A line from Joyce Carol Oates' novel I'll Take You There says it best: "I baptize thee in the name of ceaseless yearning, ceaseless seeking, and ceaseless dissatisfaction. Amen!"

On-This-Day-in-2010 Crappola

2011-09-08T21:23:00.003+08:00

I was wondering what I was up to around this time of the year in 2010. According to my blog entries I was having a lot of fun. I was sad a lot of times, had problems with C and home and money but overall, I was crazy. I was out there! I was actually out there living it.

I don't know what to come out of it all. That I am better off being crazy and living la bohemia? Or I've done most of it (if not all) and have had enough of youth so it's time to grow up now?

Home Early

2011-09-08T21:00:00.001+08:00

I am home earlyyyyy! Isn't that supramagastic?! (Had to invent a new word to express my happiness.)

Okay, it's been a circus lately. Not the entertaining kind though. I think I've reached my goal of being normal and boring. I'd actually like it better if there were more money involved though. It will pay off, they kid. I am kidded. I have entrapped myself. No turning back now.

Past is Fast

2011-09-07T08:07:00.001+08:00

Hi! Hello-- Excuse me. Gusto ko lang sabihin na napaka-insensitive mo. Pagkatapos ng lahat. Sobra ka na. Bahala ka na. Kebs. Babay.

Career

2011-09-03T07:55:00.001+08:00

I've been meaning to blog forever but I just can't find time! I'm too busy with everything. This job is eating my time, my life!

Never Quite Well

2011-08-29T01:48:00.001+08:00

Everything was going well until... a long weekend just had to happen. I need to get back to work.

2NE3: None The Wiser

2011-08-23T00:23:00.000+08:00

Today I am, drum roll please, 23. And I am proud to say that:

I was mulling over on how I've been living my life, and at some point I almost felt that I should have done it differently. Had I sold myself out early on I would have "achieved" more in this bourgeois world, I would have been more "kaaya-aya," as I put it, to people of the upper class. But really, looking back I think I lived well. "I know I lived and missed some bullets." ika nga ni Kid Cudi. I keep saying that 2011 is not my year considering all the mishaps but I can proudly say that I owned the past 23 years and I will keep owning the years to come.

Thy Shall Not Wear Prada

2011-08-17T23:57:00.003+08:00

Because my life is a movie I got myself a new job. I landed that Devil-Wears-Prada job. I'm an Editorial Assistant at a publishing company. I will be working on two of their magazines, one is family-oriented and the other is kind of a luxurious lifestyle guide for the young. So it isn't just about designer clothing, it's about designer everything, which I know nothing about by the way. I am way out of my element here.

It is perfect for my "My Life is a Movie" stint but it is also hectic. I am putting my life at risk because I don't really want the normal, boring life I've been telling everyone about. I tell people I want to behave, leave peacefully, be saintly rada-rada-rada but no, I don't think I'm ready for that just yet. So, yeah, I'm jumping straight into the shark's mouth for entertainment's sake. I want to see myself come out alive of this one.

The "My Life is a Movie" Episode

2011-08-16T22:18:00.002+08:00

SO. I've got this new thing were I use pop-culture references to comment about everything and then I tell stories about my life like it's a movie. But I'm launching it officially tomorrow on Twitter. Because I'm bored. And I want to make myself stop thinking that my life is a movie by making fun of the idea itself. ANYWAAAAAY.

Mogwai's gone. They closed down.

And because my life is a movie, I see this as a sign.

See, when C and I first met we watched Amy Winehouse. On our first date we went to Mogwai. Just weeks after we broke up, she died. Not long after, Mogwai closes down. I SWEAR IT'S A SIGN. I don't know what it means but I'll get to the bottom of this!

Because my life is a movie.

So I'm getting to bed early and I'm going to make a blow-by-blow account tomorrow on Twitter of how my life is a movie.

Alam Mo

2011-08-16T00:15:00.003+08:00

Okay na 'ko. As in. Pramis. Hindi ko alam kung ano 'yung mga pinagdada-drama ko nung mga nakaraang araw. Baka minsan kailangan ko lang talaga ng drama sa buhay pero seryoso, okay na 'ko.

Gusto kong tumawa ng marami dahil ang saya lang talagang realization sa buhay nito. WOOT!

Drama

2011-08-15T17:51:00.002+08:00

Masyado nang pathetic mga posts ko lately kaya enough na. Promise. Hanggang dito na lang.

Say it with me, "I am SO happy for you." Now say it out loud with all the sincerity you can muster. Make it sound as genuinely as possible. Any sudden rise in pitch must be taken note of. Practice 'yan para 'pag nagkita kayo ulit.

Bestfriends

2011-08-09T15:48:00.003+08:00

I am so obsessed with the romanticized idea of friendship. :(

Life Changes and My New Pursuit of Happiness

2011-08-09T01:28:00.002+08:00

Okay. First. I have an interview at 9:30 AM. Yes, I should be sleeping. Whatever. Another yes, I'm serious (breeeeeeathe) with the changes I'm planning for my life. I'm going to get a job, live a normal life, be healthy, and all that sell out jazz. A romantic relationship is out of the picture but romance isn't. It's going to be Eat Pray Love Work Play. New mantra, yes. ("Eat, drink, and be merry" will always, always be part of me though.)

Second, I have three pimples on my face! First there was just one and then I thought, oooh, someone's crushing on somebody. And then there were two and I thought, oh, boy, love triangles are never good. And then there came the third, which is really small and is situated far away from the other two. Hahahahahaha! That's my complicated life relationships right there, in my face. Awkward. Yes.

Third, I think I'm being unfair to C (my X). I shouldn't be sharing my emotional baggage with him because I know that he still has feelings for me. Well I also still do for him but I really, really have decided to move on. I don't know.

Last and most importantly, my parents caught me with my weed stash. I don't know who checked my bag but they both saw it. It was like this:

Early in the A.M. in my bedroom

Mom (wakes me up): What's this?
Me (still half-asleep): Marijuana.

And that was the end of me.

Ma was cool with it. She's cool about everything. She's just worried that I could have gotten caught or arrested. But Pa, he's something else. He hasn't talked to me about it yet and honestly, I'm not looking forward to it. Okay, I admit, I'm hoping the end of the world happens first.

No fuss. :)

2011-08-08T03:15:00.003+08:00

The past few days I've been thinking incessantly about how I feel for "L". What is this, really? Is our relationship purely platonic? How much do I like him?

But tonight, I realized, IT IS NO BIG DEAL and it is not worth mulling over. I'm just going to live life as it is. I'm not closing any doors, but hey, I can't waste time thinking about something without really doing anything about it except waiting for the answers to be delivered at my doorstep. It's like staring at a wall wishing it would reveal answers to all my life problems. I've done that so many times and believe me, I'm always the one who comes up with the solutions, not the wall.

I'm just going to enjoy this, whatever this is. I don't think I'm ready to enter another romantic relationship anyway so there's really no need to know where I stand. So unnecessary. Alright. I'm good. Gray area's good.

:)

On Secret Friendships

2011-08-05T18:13:00.000+08:00

Actually I was composing a blog post about the three boys of my life but I lost will in the midst of it. Hahaha! My three secret relationships with my bestest bestfriends, all are platonic... sometimes bordering on romantic.

So yes, I've been seeing C (My X) lately. There's that comfort in familiarity. Nobody really knows that we still talk with and see each other and we'd like to keep it at that. So yeah, this is definitely a secret.

I had been seeing HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named for the past two nights. We only see each other when his girlfriend's out of town. I don't understand why either, I'm close friends with his girl and I was the one who introduced them to each other. But, yes, that makes this kind of a secret. Anyway, we were so happy to see each other we got drunk. Bad drunk. We were a bit intimate and ended up holding hands. But, really, everything was fun and fine until I totally got wasted. I think I barfed out the window of his car and probably also in his house. And, yes, I ruined the night.

Yesterday, I invited "L" (the creature, rebound) to see a Cinemalaya film at the UPFI. He said no. This really annoyed me. He doesn't want to go out with me because he doesn't want us to be seen by others because he doesn't want people to be saying stuff about us and because he doesn't want my X to know that we still talk to each other. A secret. Yep.

Last night, I found myself in the same table as HuBu-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, my X, and HuBu's girlfriend's older brother. Oh, boy. I had to leave. Fast. Went to a friend's place.

Again, the night was ruined. I texted "L". Because that's what we do, I listen to his problems and he listens to mine. I didn't receive a reply this time around though.

Then this morning he called. He just asked how I was. How sweet! He has never called me before (we never call each other) so I really did appreciate it. It was weird though. He is so nice so I guess it's too bad that "L" and I will never happen.

Too complicated. Sometimes it gets me thinking if I should end these secret friendships. I benefit from it, I guess, but I would also love stability and normalcy. Get me?

Uhm, who?

2011-07-29T15:18:00.001+08:00

Who's that girl? I don't know. Who was he talking to? I don't know! Hey, who was that girl your ex was flirting with? Ugh, seriously? Kthxbye.

I don't know, I don't want to know, and I don't care. Jeez. These people. He can do whatever he wants. And, hello, care to be more sensitive?

:(

2011-07-29T03:00:00.002+08:00

I AM SO MAD. :(

And I really shouldn't be blogging. Must go to sleep now.

Will update soon. :(

AAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Baby Steps, Right?

2011-07-28T02:30:00.000+08:00

I'm keeping myself busy today. I've actually got plans! I'm leaving early so I should be sleeping by now but we all know that's not going to happen. No matter what though, I AM waking up early.

Also, I've already got two job offers. Not interested in both though. Tralalalalala.

I'll get by. Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight? *GRIN*

Computer Clutter III: Eternal Sunshine

2011-07-27T03:20:00.001+08:00

I deleted our private photos. No matter how much I miss you I can't go back to you. I have to give myself a chance.

Cleaning Computer Clutter Part II

2011-07-27T02:39:00.002+08:00

Still cleaning computer clutter. While browsing through photos I saw 3/20/10.

Ha.

Remember that time when I wasn't feeling well but forced myself to go to your gig because I knew it was important to you? And after the gig you wanted me to come with you to your mini-reunion with your highschool friends? I was hesitant because I was already feeling nauseous but you said that we would just drop by to say Hi and then we could go home immediately after? But remember that that didn't happen? Remember how we stayed longer and then you eventually let me take a cab home so you could go out with them?

I should have known then.

Lost And Unfortunately Found

2011-07-26T23:21:00.004+08:00

While I was cleaning my computer clutter, I found this, dated August 04, 2010:

Simply:
That moment when the rain fell
I held you as if hugging an unfaltering nostalgia

The familiar smell of childhood:
A feisty little girl scrambling out the door
To meet the pouring of the rain
Then suddenly pauses outside the door
Looking around
Suddenly not knowing what to do next
"Come on!," a playmate shouts
She smiles, chortles, runs over, almost stumbling

That very moment the rain fell
Your eyelids beneath my fingers
feeling it down to your lips
the rain's droplets at the edge of your mouth

The girl dancing as if to pay respects
high-pitched laughters of euphoria
oblivious to the world
just this moment, we forget,
how ugly, miserable, and dark everything is

I hold your hand
The innocence of the moment
Just lying on the same bed
Tracing the constellations of your palm
Completely different yet strangely familiar

That moment after the rain
Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes
So simple as a refracted light
Yet as fantastic as the legends told surrounding its beauty

---

And then I probably edited it because I found this, dating August 05, 2010:

Simply:

That moment when the rain fell

I held you like an unfaltering nostalgia

An exploding warmth,

A feeling of glee, a taste of bliss almost unreal

The familiar smell of childhood:

The spirited leap of a girl scrambling out the door

To meet the pounding of the rain

An abrupt pause

Suddenly uncertain what to do next

A playmate shouts her name

She grins—runs over, almost stumbling

Your eyelids beneath my fingers

Learning every crease, groove, as if it were my own

Droplets of rain at the edge of your lips

A thirst-quenching kiss

The girl dancing as if to pay respects

Shrill laughter of euphoria

Not oblivious but embracing

Not quixotic like a starry-eyed tale

But a warm touch of optimism

Amidst a perpetual drought

She lied down in the cemented path

And as I hold your hand

Capturing the innocence of the moment

Tracing the constellations of your palm

Different yet familiar

I surrender to your arms

That moment after the rain

Watching the spectrum of colors in your eyes

So simple as a refracted light

Yet as fantastical as its beauty:

A spectacle twice only in a lifetime

---

If only I still have the will (and the feelings) to finish it. A poem that never will be.

And where were you when I needed you?

2011-07-26T03:07:00.001+08:00

Funny, the circumstances,

It's Official

2011-07-26T01:12:00.004+08:00

It's official, I've lost everything. And I, from hereon out, am a nomad. I will stay strong though. Couch-hopping, it is! For I have no other option. LOL. There's always that brighter side in things. Well, maybe not brighter, just... less dim.

I might not be able to update regularly from now on because I wouldn't always have access to internet. I don't even know where I'm going yet! I'm leaving in an hour. Yep.

I feel so sad about everything.

2011-07-24T02:56:00.002+08:00

Such bad timing.

Will post on Monday... or tomorrow night. Ugh. T_T

X(

2011-07-23T04:26:00.003+08:00

I cannot even explain what I'm feeling right now. Everything is so fucked uuuuuuuup. I'll try to go to sleep now before I even fuck it up more, if that's even possible.

Sandman

2011-07-21T03:22:00.002+08:00

I want/need to go to sleep. I want/need to rest. I want/need my peace. I want/need to obliviate my own memory. Oh, pleeeeeeeease.

~~nonsensical blog post~~

Neverland

2011-07-21T03:10:00.006+08:00

Tonight I watched Varekai for the second (and probably the last) time. We were offered the chance to watch it again before it leaves town on Sunday.

I don't even have words to describe the experience. You have to be there to know. Sure I see the show everyday; we have LCD screens backstage and in the Artistic Tent but Varekai, more than anything, is about the live experience. The feeling you get during the show and, most especially, after.

Trying to remember photographically won't do any good. It's not about playing back what you saw. It's about reminiscing the feeling, and I'll try my best to hold on to that feeling. Because if magic feels like anything, this is it.

I'd hate for this whole Varekai experience to end but like everything else, it will. I've got four days left in my Neverland.

People.

2011-07-20T15:20:00.004+08:00

Having felt guilty, I texted my friend that we should watch a film next week when Cinemalaya moves to UP so that I could make "bawi". He said OK, as long as I bring a "chick" with me. More than this being a sexist remark, it annoyed the wits out of me because... well, because! I invite you as a friend and then you tell me to bring you a date as a prerequisite. I mean, I did promise to help him out with his love woes but I said it I'll do it at the right time, when I'm ready. I still have my own life problems to take care of and that's just being insensitive. I get that by friendship being a social contract there is understandably an exchange of acceptance of obligations and acting out of duties to one another but I don't think a date would be an appropriate gift given the circumstances.

And I'm being extremely dramatic. It's no big deal.

Sometimes

2011-07-20T03:38:00.005+08:00

Sometimes I want to tell you exactly what you did to me. How much you have hurt me. How you broke me. How I can never get proper sleep. I want to tell you how I get nightmares, waking up in sweat. How I can never trust anyone anymore. How I lost my friends, my self-esteem, my life, all at the same time. How I'm mending every bit of my soul one. by. one. How I try my best to step out the door but always end up crawling back in bed. How I gave my all to you, not sparing myself with anything. How it ended so badly. How my faith in love, in friendship, was shattered. How I nudge questions about you, about me. How I always long for someone to talk to but never having the guts to Buzz them. How I'm afraid. Afraid of everything, everyone. How I am now. This. How I can never tell you this. Because this, is how much I still care for you.

There's So Much to Say

2011-07-20T03:02:00.000+08:00

I tried, really.

I was able force myself out of the house. But instead of going to CCP to watch Amok with a friend, I ended up watching Niño alone at Greenbelt. What happened was, a lot of people suddenly wanted to tag along and I, being overly stupid and emotional, wasn't really in the mood to hang around with people. The thought of having to smile all the time, answering questions and laughing at their jokes was enough to send me crawling back to my shell. Now I feel bad because I flaked on my friend. Then again, it was he who invited all those people! I wanted to see him after the screening but he didn't respond to my text. Should I say sorry or do you think it's no big deal? I'm so bad at this stuff.

In other news, Niño turned out great! Such beautiful direction. :)

I guess I really am not ready to go out there. I'm not being an escapist here. I just want to take things slow. I don't want to be caught by surprise and end up holing up again. I want to regain my trust in human relationships. I still think that not all relationships are doomed but somehow that's how I feel. I feel like I can't trust anyone although I believe that this is not true. My heart says no, no, no, be careful or prepare for a crash-and-burn but my mind says, some important people in my life (whom I love) may have left but that doesn't mean that people will keep leaving. I want to believe this. I want to believe in BFFs and growing old together. Now that's me being romantic (and being a huge Harry-Ron-Hermione friendship fan. LOL.) In reality, people come and go, and I need to get that to my head. My separation issue roots itself from anecdotal history dating back to my childhood. I know I sound like I'm sick in the head, but it's actually perfectly normal to have separation issues as it is to have dependency issues.

2011, I HATE YOU.

Hello, world. I am ready for you.

2011-07-19T14:59:00.002+08:00

Yesterday I watched HP 7.2 with my family. Pierced through my wallet but it was worth it. I'd watch it again, given the chance.

Today I'm watching either Amok at the CCP or Niño at Greenbelt 3.

See? Baby steps, darling, baby steps. :)

Tonight, no, I don't miss you.

2011-07-18T03:11:00.003+08:00

Tonight was crazy fun! Imagine the Varekai people on jeepneys, escorted by 20 Hell's Angels (on big-ass bikes, of course) all the way to Handlebar from The Manila Hotel. Now that's a grand entrance.

With Varekai, I'm always exhausted on Sundays but it has also always been worth it.

Back to Square One

2011-07-16T02:30:00.001+08:00

I don't think I'll be able to live up to my goal of going out on Sunday. I'm too down. All because of a wee chat convo the other night. Grrrrrrrreat.

It Has to be Said.

2011-07-15T16:58:00.002+08:00

Comparing what you feel/felt for/with me to what you feel/felt for/with her, not cool.

I'm Not Calling You a Liar

2011-07-14T15:55:00.005+08:00

There are days when I wish that I was a better liar. White lies are fine sometimes--rarely--but I tell it so bad. My truthfulness has placed me in a lot of inconvenient scenarios, to say the least. Times when I can't tell the truth, I keep my mouth shut. Though moments come when I feel compelled to lie and they just come out of my mouth, but I eventually tell the truth anyway, given the chance, so I still inevitably meet my inconvenient fate.

But when I think of people who lie and people who are worse, everything turns around. I forget this pointless aspiration of mine of becoming a professional liar. Liars are pretentious and pretentious people are liars. Even people who pretend to like you are liars, even the ones who tell you stories about the people they hate are liars. Hey, a little twist of the story here and there makes it sound better. Makes the storyteller receive more empathy. When one is very emotional, sometimes s/he can't control what comes out of his/her mouth or his/her thoughts. Okay, I get that, I can live with that. Still, I'd rather be objective and careful when talking to other people about other people. That's why I have this blog anyway, for the emotional stuff.

So, clearly, there are people who I may not hate but I would never envy nor ever want to be like.

A:

I've got nothing to prove nor explain to you, Your Fatness. I am a good person and do not usually do this (write cyberly about a hater) but I just have to let this out of my system. Hate me all you want, but everybody knows, I never did anything even close to remotely hurt you. I can be a snob (I'm sure I was never to you) but I always have good intentions and never speak ill of anybody if only for that reason. You will stay on my ignore list until that day I decide what to do with you. Be grateful. Cheers.

(Saved this in Drafts on 1/8/11. My feelings and opinion of you still remain.)

B:

No, you don't have everything. Pretending that you do makes me want to BE TRUTHFUL to everyone and tell them what your life is really like. Bad-mouthing me doesn't make you a better person either. Don't think you are reformed. You have done far worse things than I--dirty, disgusting things I would never dream of doing. To makes mistakes and to do bad things intentionally are two entirely different things.

C:

Know what? You're of no help. Keep your mouth shut. Sew it up if needed. It's this simple: I know what you did last summer.

D:

To the storytellers. It's none of my business. They're your friends. Of course they'll sympathize. But I just want to say that I feel bad and you have probably also hurt other people by telling what you feel about them to other people. So, it's your thing. Whatever.

E:

To the friends. I don't hate you. Not at all. I was happy, so happy to have lived you. You are not liars either. But I had to leave. I need my peace.

---

It doesn't end here.

Life Plan

2011-07-14T13:56:00.004+08:00

Varekai is ending on the 24th and I seem to still not find the will to look for a new job. What I want really is to have a vacation after this gig, but I also need to think about my sister and my brothers. Oh, life. :(

---

Why do some people have to make things complicated? Here I am, trying my best to move on (it's no easy goal) and suddenly he chats me up. Everything he says just makes things harder than they already are.

Just leave me alone. Please.

Getting The Hang of It

2011-07-13T14:07:00.001+08:00

There are still the occasional pangs in my heart especially during night time when I get home tired and with no one to talk to but hey, I think I'll be fine. Eventually, yes.

I think I'm ready to go out now., like somewhere that is not home or work. I think I'll start on Sunday. I can do this, yeah?! Woo-hoo!

You won.

2011-07-12T16:42:00.001+08:00

Why rub it in?

Summer Took My Youth With It

2011-07-11T14:58:00.003+08:00

These days I really would just rather stay home and sulk. I'm glad that because of Varekai I still find the willpower to get out of the house everyday. I've also started reading again, even when I'm just traveling on my way to and from work. I wish I have an on-call friend though. I'd settle for a dog but I'm not allowed one in the house because I have a baby brother. See, I'm living with my parents again. It's a long story I'm not entirely psyched to tell at the moment. Yes, it has got to do with C. I lost my friends. Maybe partly it was of my own choosing. Maybe I didn't have to lose them. I am just so tiiiiiiired. I've been carrying the people around me for a very long time. It's about time I take care of myself. So, my job is all I have now and it too will be gone in two weeks' time. I don't know what's going to happen to me when that moment comes. I don't want to think about it yet. I just want to rest my soul from all the vexations. Sabeeeeeeeeehhh?!

:(

2011-07-10T02:20:00.001+08:00

Grabe lang 'yung walang panahong mag-blog. Sa Monday, promise.

Kasalanan Ko Kung Bakit Ako Ganito Kalungkot Ngayon

2011-07-09T03:04:00.002+08:00

New Book

2011-07-05T15:17:00.001+08:00

I bought a new book yesterday (my day off). A circus novel aimed to young adult readers. As if I have time to read.

Seriously Rethinking

2011-07-05T14:31:00.007+08:00

my decisions.

I'm not sure if I really want to work two jobs anymore. Although I want to try how far I can go, I think it would be a waste of time and money if I just end up quitting at the end of the week. There are other jobs out there I can try getting into after Cirque.

Plus I need a lot of time by myself.

By taking this job, it is:

Monday: Errands
Tuesday to Friday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1900 to 0000 - Cirque
Saturday: 0200 to 1100 - Writing job, 1500 to 0000 - Cirque
Sunday: 1230 to 2130 - Cirque

But I want to:

* Heal - yoga, meditation
* Learn - dressmaking, DIYs, drawing
* Travel (and get cultured) - within Metro Manila in the meantime, like Chinatown and Hindu temple; go backpacking in the future

See my work schedule? Including travel time (with no traffic) I can get 5 hours sleep MAX from Mondays to Fridays, and no sleep at all on Saturdays.

I want to spend more time with myself but I think I need more money, plus I need the writing job experience and I would NEVER quit Cirque. I don't know.

Broken.

2011-07-05T02:44:00.001+08:00

I am.

Dying

2011-07-04T01:26:00.000+08:00

Di ko na kaya.

Ang hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap hirap.

Magpanggap at tumakas.

Lagari

2011-06-29T16:14:00.001+08:00

Starting next week I'll be working two jobs. O_O

Boo and Yey

2011-06-29T02:00:00.000+08:00

BOO

I was late for work today. I disappoint myself. :(

YEY

Tonight's show was rockin'! Everybody's back in good health! Nobody was absent and everybody was in the groove! AWESOME AWESOME AWESOME. The audience went wild! Good show, good show. :)

Day Off!

2011-06-27T10:21:00.002+08:00

The circus has been awesome, wonderful, fantastic. We're taking the day off because there's no show today. I can't wait to go back to work tomorrow though!

So last week, I learned so much that my head was spinning in circles. I had to learn the Big Track. What to do exactly at certain cues before, during, and after the show.

Last Thursday was crazy. I had to walk in, through, and out the flood just to get to work. I left for work before 5 PM and I arrived at 9. CRAZY.

I LOVE CDS!

La la la la...

2011-06-22T10:19:00.000+08:00

I got C a compli ticket for the Varekai show tonight. :)

I haven't drank, smoked, or taken any drug since I got into the Cirque. Lovelay. :)

Pottermore

2011-06-21T02:21:00.002+08:00

I just hope I'm home when this happens.

T.H.

On Venting

Soulmate

Recovery

Slow Mo

Not Prose

Somebody's in love

And the list goes on

You Should Know

Bipolarity

Pakyu

I feel so

Dear Diary

Reality

Doubts

Trying.

Unang PMS ng taon, bring it on.

Blah

2011

Last Week of December Ever

Sometimes

2011: One Hard F*** Y***

All I Want

I Feel Cheated

Cybertron?

Oh, and

What is December Part 2

On Living Up to Christmas

NEGATIVE

The Scare

Iaminthatmoment

What is December Part 1

I BADLY WANT A GOOD DEPENDABLE CAMERA

On Bloggin

TTFN MNL

Not with a fizzle, but with a bang

Playing Catch-Up with Thyself

Warning: RAAAAANT

The Devil Can't Afford Prada

Dahil sa Totoo Lang, Ayokong Pumasok Bukas

Gera II

Midnight Blue Pill on a Halloween Sunday

Post-Job Post

Working with Magazines When She Doesn't Know How to Write

Mad with the World

I'm Fine

DQ

Girl Anachronism

Mayabang Ako

In Other, More Important, Lighter News

I Need My Anti-Depressants

On-This-Day-in-2010 Crappola

Home Early

Past is Fast

Career

Never Quite Well

2NE3: None The Wiser

Thy Shall Not Wear Prada

The "My Life is a Movie" Episode

Alam Mo

Drama

Bestfriends

Life Changes and My New Pursuit of Happiness

No fuss. :)

On Secret Friendships

Uhm, who?

:(

Baby Steps, Right?

Computer Clutter III: Eternal Sunshine

Cleaning Computer Clutter Part II

Lost And Unfortunately Found

And where were you when I needed you?

It's Official

I feel so sad about everything.

X(

Sandman

Neverland

People.

Sometimes

There's So Much to Say

2011: One Hard F* Y*