Honesty is the B in Apartment 923

As mentioned, I had just fairly recently moved in to Apartment 923. I share a room with my boyfriend and our friend sleeps in the next room. Living together for the past month has not been perfect but it has been filled with so much love and happiness, which is truly all I want and need in this hard knock life.

Last night though, after drinking a glass, getting reasonably high, and having some good sexin', I brought up what I can only call in hindsight as a Never-Ever-Bring-This-Up-Or-Else conversational piece, which, if you come to think of it, is worse than taboo. Basically I phished on the things he wanted to know about me or ask me but didn't have the courage to bring up. And by "phished," I mean I probably already knew what his answer was going to be but would like to hint that he didn't need to say it because I knew. I just wanted affirmation that these issues/questions did exist in his head but he need not say them out loud because I already plan to do something about these things, I just don't want to talk about it. But he did say it. To my face. He thinks that I'm not doing anything with my life right now. So he wants to know. My plans. And what I want to do them. Well, that sucks. I know I can't always have what I want but hey, I thought I was being loved here, cared for and accepted for who I am and all that pissy shit that comes with the heaviest four-letter word in the world.

The Narcissist B in Apartment 23 is Me

I want to go ranting about how he knew right from the start that I'm like this. Maybe not this this, hut Confused-And-Fickle-Minded this. I made it clear from the beginning, I'm a free spirit, I make my own decisions, I do whatever I want , I may or may not conform to his way of living, set of ideals, thoughts, beliefs, manners, language, cultural practices, food preference, music taste... And in the past month that we have been living together, though I am still confused with a lot of things, I have already found that I do not hold the same sensibilities as him in some things and I live with it. Because be a loser, be broke, be a mopey mess, as long as you're a good person, I will love you no less nor will I raise questions. But as I have been told time and again, and as I have refused to believe every time I look at the stars, fairy tales do not exist. Time will come that even if I think that I had already explained enough of myself, I shall explain once more, because apparently it is not enough to tell them that your actions (or lack thereof) will not always be clear to them, when the day comes they find themselves confused, asking why you do (or not do) certain things, you have to say exactly why. A relationship is an endless series of explanations. Sounds exhausting, no?

Love Comes at a Price and I'm Not Sure I Can Afford It

Because it's a two-way thing. Because he has been nothing but good to you and you will not even give him that little peace of mind, of knowing that it is going to be okay, that it will not always be like this (though you do not know that for sure), that he did not choose the wrong partner (this too). You will not give it to him because you're this horrible person, free-loading to the love this relationship gives. Sucking it in as your life source but not willing to sign in your soul in return. Sacrifice is a word you are not ready to understand yet. You would like to think that your presence is enough, and that's where you will always be wrong.

Growing up sucks

Things are fucked up and I have nothing to blame but myself. I would expect myself to say that it started with deciding to enroll for this semester but I was actually enjoying school when the stupid film project had to happen to my calculated life.

I have just moved in to a new place three weeks ago with my boyfriend and my former roommate. Things are okay for us, but I'm struggling financially. Academics is a burden. I cannot focus on anything because I'm being hounded by my school performance day and night. I know I should not bother with acing anything and should just accept my mediocre fate but I just cannot bear wasting my time on homework if I will not get anything out of it in the end.

A surprising and very needed commercial break though, an ex-love made contact and we had a catch-up last week, the back story of which is excruciatingly long. He wanted to apologize for being a douche and I was expecting an entire conversation of him explaining himself and me affirming how douchey he was  but it turned out to be a long catch-up of how-have-you-beens and a quick "sorry" from him in the end. I'm not sure I got something out of that either. I mean I did, it was fun and it was a relief, but I have not turned the experience into anything yet so the whole thing is considered irrelevant until then.

I know what I have to do to be able to move forward, I will have to quit school so my brain can shift its focus to the other things. But if I do that, I would have to accept my defeat from this ancient educational system. I can't figure it out by myself so I think I will have to get help. Tonight I contacted NGF again after two years, asking for a list of counseling services they might be able to recommend. Shitty, right? Asking for help after telling myself that I have had it together all this time.

I don't want to give up what I have right now and reinvent myself all over again. It was an escape, thought a tricky one, to reinvent myself every time something like this happened. Those experiences made me. No matter how emotionally grueling my earlier adult life had been, one thing's for sure: it was never boring.  Recently though, I have been enjoying the steady life and actually been looking forward to settling down. Am I growing old, getting tired of adventures? Heaven forfend.