Growing up sucks

Things are fucked up and I have nothing to blame but myself. I would expect myself to say that it started with deciding to enroll for this semester but I was actually enjoying school when the stupid film project had to happen to my calculated life.

I have just moved in to a new place three weeks ago with my boyfriend and my former roommate. Things are okay for us, but I'm struggling financially. Academics is a burden. I cannot focus on anything because I'm being hounded by my school performance day and night. I know I should not bother with acing anything and should just accept my mediocre fate but I just cannot bear wasting my time on homework if I will not get anything out of it in the end.

A surprising and very needed commercial break though, an ex-love made contact and we had a catch-up last week, the back story of which is excruciatingly long. He wanted to apologize for being a douche and I was expecting an entire conversation of him explaining himself and me affirming how douchey he was  but it turned out to be a long catch-up of how-have-you-beens and a quick "sorry" from him in the end. I'm not sure I got something out of that either. I mean I did, it was fun and it was a relief, but I have not turned the experience into anything yet so the whole thing is considered irrelevant until then.

I know what I have to do to be able to move forward, I will have to quit school so my brain can shift its focus to the other things. But if I do that, I would have to accept my defeat from this ancient educational system. I can't figure it out by myself so I think I will have to get help. Tonight I contacted NGF again after two years, asking for a list of counseling services they might be able to recommend. Shitty, right? Asking for help after telling myself that I have had it together all this time.

I don't want to give up what I have right now and reinvent myself all over again. It was an escape, thought a tricky one, to reinvent myself every time something like this happened. Those experiences made me. No matter how emotionally grueling my earlier adult life had been, one thing's for sure: it was never boring.  Recently though, I have been enjoying the steady life and actually been looking forward to settling down. Am I growing old, getting tired of adventures? Heaven forfend.