EXPECTATIONS

There are so many things to do but I just want this quick break from it all.

Life is killing me.

Why can't I just be a fucked up 27-year girl who is trying to figure herself out while trying to figure life out while just fucking trying? Why do I have to be THIS and THIS and THIS? Why am I supposed to GROW UP? Why am I supposed to STAY YOUTHFUL? Why am I supposed to do GREAT THINGS? Why am I supposed to always make BEAUTIFUL THINGS? Sometimes I make ugly things too and I love them all the same. Because I made them. Because I'm allowed to make mistakes. Because FAILURE is actually NOT A BAD THING WITHOUT ALL THESE PEOPLE LOOKING AT YOU. What is she going to do next? Oh my God, she did what? She's crazy. She's beautiful. She's smart. Why can't I be OKAY? Why can't I be NICE? I want to be okay and nice. I was okay and nice ten years ago. I want to try new things. But without everyone staring. I want to just keep trying like I have been and not care if the outcome would be good or not. I want to go places. I want to go to New York and walk in old subways, visit vintage record stores, and watch a band in some hole-in-a-wall. I want to go to Tokyo, get lost in the streets, try all the good food and get drunk on sake. I want to go to Whistler, go snowboarding until my body aches, stay in a cozy cottage, make tea, and watch snow fall outside my window. I want to go back home to my family, spend rainy days with them, play more board games, eat more of my mom's cooking. I want to read more books, listen to more music, and write more poems, without any judgment, without caring about similar or different tastes. And if none of these happen, WHO CARES? I'll probably do something else and WHO THE FUCK CARES?

Just let me do things. Please. Let me go my own way.