Saturday, April 18, 2020

It's been a while

I always write on my journal now. But I guess this is something different. I am now seriously considering if me and my partner will be able to work this relationship out. I am starting to lose hope. I feel like he hates me and doesn't trust me. He never wants to talk to me. About anything. When we fight, he never admits fault. It's always me: I don't listen. Too difficult. Too pushy. Too opinionated. Too everything.

I don't want to be with someone who abhors me. I never believed that I do or don't deserve certain things but I've been thinking, heavens, somebody tell me, do I deserve this? Am I that awful? Am I so evil? I'm really starting to doubt myself. Because I was trying to grow to become a better person. Was I wrong all this time? Lord, I am not perfect, I have my flaws, and I know them. Perhaps I know them a little too well. I criticize myself too often that I've grown to be insecure. I am never good enough for myself. But to not even hit the bare minimum for my partner? I would really like to know.

Is this the result of being loved well enough throughout my life? That I can't bear to receive less of the love I'm used to having? Is that a bad thing? To know what I want and need emotionally?

Heaven knows I've been trying. I've been trying hard. I don't know what else to do. I'm out.

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