it gets lonely sometimes

 it's not so bad. i have a responsible partner and a perfect son. but things get rough. inside. sure, it's exhausting (damn, it's exhausting) but it's more than that. diving into this big step, this huge life change, scares me. i am so, so scared. my partner has been so caring and he's tried to support me all the way ever since i gave birth. but i have demons. our past isn't perfect and that haunts me. it haunts me because what if the past manifests itself in the future. what if my now caring partners reverts back to his old self? i'm scared. i'm scared to give this, what we have, my everything. it's stupid because it's what cause the problems in our past in the first place. we were too scared to enter a relationship and ended up ruining things, both of us traumatized.

i know that to be the ideal partner, to be the best that i can be in our relationship, for our family, i have to heal. and i'm not sure how yet. that's what i need to find out.

i'm not even brave enough to write it down. but i should.

when my partner and i were still dating, he left me to date another woman. he then came back to me because it didn't work out with that woman. only to leave me again two weeks later to go back to the same woman. then back to me again when that didn't work out. it hurts me. it didn't used to. but i didn't know better then. now i feel like i was so stupid for allowing him back in my life and that i have no chance to correct my stupidity and redeem myself because i have a child with him. that's how i feel. probably just pride and ego but how do i heal and move past that when he's not even apologetic about it.

it didn't end there though. there were still other women in his life even we officially started dating. even when i was pregnant. 

god, just writing this makes me want to hurl myself off the roof. so fucking stupid.

i mean he's really tried to change. and he did. he's a better person and i'm so proud of him. but damn, just didn't think i'd be a person to tolerate shit like this. i thought i'd be wiser. i thought that after being in a healthy and mature relationship with my ex has taught me what it's like to be in a relationship that i deserve. i'm just so disappointed with myself that i ended up here.

so maybe the first step is to forgive myself. i'll think about how i can do that. what steps i can take to redeem myself.