give me strength part 32462

 sometimes you just have to put everything on paper to clear your mind and finally get some shut eye

i don't know how to write anymore. ever since i learned how to write copy for content i've become dumb. was that it though ot my antibiotics? or that i'm just high right now?

i am overwhelmed again with stuff to do but i guess i just gotta hang on for one more week. just keep pushing until we reach the steady we need.

there's just a thing when i smoke that i just want to consume content. like nerdy stuff most of the time. but i'm also too old now to stay up on a sunday, it's going to ruin my entire week. especially that i'm PMS-ing.

i just need to analyze my week

top priority is my full-time job

but finish the outline on monday

upload the rotterdam requirements for the love of god

and just maybe finally decide on the auto loan

there's milk tea in the fridge so hopefully that can get you going through the day.

i think i really need my own space fo the love of all things holy and mighty

god is good

feeling anxious most days

mostly because of my job 

i'm not even sure if it's because i don't like it or i'm just not giving it enough time and effort

i'll try giving it time and effort first before saying that it's not for me

that's just fair for my employer 

and fair to me as well

just need to get started

My head is hurting. It's a Monday and for most of us, that means start of the week's work. Staring at the screen is triggering my nausea but I can't just let that hinder the start of the work week. Work is a responsibility, a commitment. Necessary, mandatory. Some people would argue, put your self first. Work is just work. It's not worth sacrificing yourself on. How about integrity though? What is integrity worth? And isn't pulling through on what you have committed to, being responsible knowing that others rely on you, doing your work, a practice of integrity? 

Is pride not considered a value anymore? Something archaic and outdated? I feel conflicted by this. I still standby what is right. Just do what is right; if you feel it is not right, don't do it. I still trust my judgment. And I think my wisdom has shown once I allowed myself to be responsible. So no, I do not think putting yourself is always right. You still have to know where your values lie. And I will not let go of mine.

My values:

1. Integrity - responsibility, honesty, excellence
2. Strength - patience, perseverance, resilience
3. Wisdom - kindness, humility, gratitude, joy

Fortitudo in Patientia
Gaudium in Sapientia
Ductus a Integritate

happy birthday

i just felt like going in here because there has been a lot swirling in my mind. probably better to get them down on (digital) paper so i can start to focus on other things.

i wish i could pinpoint the anxiety. but i think it's probably just a general feeling of uncertainty and not being in control yet. of what? of the future i've been envisioning. whenever i feel something like this, i really have to act on it and do something to reach it. otherwise it's just endless feeling of unrest. i felt the same way with the cinema, that was until we lost the location.

on another note, i've been craving a personal space for recharging. i think i was able to survive without one because i knew i just had to hang in there. but it's been almost 5 years both without a personal space and with a regular workload so it's been getting difficult to sustain my energy.

other than though, my family is really all i need. the more i get older, the more this becomes true. 

hospital room blues

i guess i just wanted to get on here to write because i've only been here for 24 hours and i already feel like cabin fever is getting to me.

i need to take a breather and calm down and focus on the most important things, getting better and getting my shit together. and by saying getting my shit together, i mean getting my finances in order. i think this is what's been stressing me out most of all, anyway. the thing is, i don't have the energy to do it right now. so i might have to do it tomorrow morning. 

1. email producers of sotf to give my money back

2. build a plan on how to run 10 utos if i can't get back on set

3. organize money released and received for errand and align with PM

4. get AR from Xeph so we can be reimbursed from utos

5. check what the plan is for the borrowed 100k by the box

it's quite a lot but it's about time i deal with these.

now, we also have to craft a plan on how we're going to make money after this. i feel like a higher paying remote job is a good answer. or maintain job now and get another part-time job or side hustle. but with the way things are, the debt we have, and the goals we have for the year, i think we need to earn an additional 100k per month.