like a moth to a flame

It's 7pm. In twelve hours, it will be my two younger brothers' graduation ceremonies. I should be going to my parents' house so I can be there tomorrow but obviously, I'm here, typing this.

I've always wanted to write, I just never learned how. Or maybe, it's not really the act of writing, but the self-expression that attracted me to it and keeps attracting me back to it. Two weeks without writing for work has made me fall back in love with the beauty of free-flowing thoughts and feelings turned to words.

I know that to be able to write better I should read more. It is not very easy though, given my current state. It's all chaos in here. My thoughts and feelings are all over the place and I have no way to contain them nor do I know how to express them creatively. So I resort to what I know, venting through journal pieces with only myself as an audience.

I pity myself sometimes, not having a passion for anything. I am too content, too happy when I'm not crazy that I forget that being passionate is what life is for. Crazy creates passion and I should not restrict it. If I want to stop being crazy I might as well start having a full-time job; be a normal human being for the rest of my life. But I always choose to digress, and with it comes the trouble. I fail at being normal time and again, miserably.

So I fall back to this, to what I am at the moment; the real me. I shouldn't have to stop knowing myself, just to be pleasant to other people. I know I can be destructive when I don't watch it but my best writing pieces have come from crazy times. I also know that writing was not what I chose to do. I chose to be a manager, a logistics person, not a maker, not a creative, so naturally, I had to keep my head levelled and sane.

Is that what I really want though? I know I can be good if I put my head in it. So let's be good. Let's write. Let's keep doing what we've always wanted to do. It hurst both in the head and in the heart but it's better than not fulfilling what I have been put in this beautiful world to do. Yeah, write. Keep writing. Even if it hurts. Even if it means losing everything. LET IT BURN.