P M S

i have so much angst right now and i just need it out of me

what do i think of being in this film project?

i think, that even after everything, i still do not belong. i do not see these people as friends yet. i'm an outsider. but i want the film to be good.

i am not motivated to work right now though and i blame it to PMS. i hope it is just PMS.

is PMS our real self? because i hate incompetent people when i'm PMSing.

when u wanna b a gender-bending anarchist wiccan at 30

turning 30 in a month but it feels like turning 15 all over again am i rite

I really tried to fit in so I could live an acceptable life but by heavens! Is it boring and basic and just plain useless to the world! What is the point of living if the only point is to appease self and others! Where is the struggle people? Where is the courage to go beyond? This is cowardice!

the real hypomania

So yesterday i went to QC for a viewing of our film. After that, I dropped by a location for a short film just to be told that our request has been denied and we can't shoot there. Yeah, I'm screwed.

After that I went to have my nails done but the salon was so done with manicures for the day they're like girl it's so fucking late for that go party. So I went to the bar where my friend's pride talk is happening. My friend A arrived later on.

In the middle of the talk, my friend C arrived and I felt something squeeze my stomach. I knew I had to get out of there so after the talk was done I made no excuses and left with A. I mean maybe if he stayed I would have stayed a bit longer but he had to leave so I had no one to hang out with while my ex hovers around ugh just the thought.

Anyway so we left. Went to our friend's benefit gig. This friend suffered a stroke and his friends put up a gig to raise funds. I paid 500 for entrance I'm pretty broke at the moment so. My friend G arrived then we all went to catch dropped G off then went to the condo with CPP to blaze out.

It was nice.
Actually the entire night was nice except that A wouldn't stop commenting on how beautiful I looked with my new haircut. It is a bit flattering up to a certain point but just. Stop. I eventually clipped my bangs so that he wouldn't get distracted by my pretty haircut anymore. Ugh men so ughhh.

Anyway, smoking with friends is always so much fun! Lots. Of. Shade.

Woke up the next day with A already gone. Went all the way to the south to have lunch with my family.

Sat down with my earphones on in the bookstore to read the film script. Went to my meeting all the way in the north. Then went home. I was slightly paranoid that our producer might fall for me. I mean just give then whole A thing and my past experience with E. I just don't want people falling for anymore. I just can't.

It's a struggle. I want people to like me but not to fall for me.

the last hypomania

It's been a while since I've been hypomanic. The last time was probably December. It's always December and summer. But December was understandable, December was a culmination. But I thought this summer could be different.

I'm lying in bed, putting myself in house arrest, to stop myself from doing hypomanic things. I've got Spotify and maybe I'll watch a movie or read a book. But it's a humid summer in my favorite city and there is so much to do and to be and I'm hypomanic and I need to contain myself.
I want to go out.
drink.
do drugs.
spend.
have sex.
let loose.

But I'm hypomanic.
So I'm lying in bed, putting myself in house arrest, to stop myself from doing hypomanic things.

could this be deps

I thought it was just my mood but I'm upset again.

I really hate this LDR thing.

real feelings

So apparently,

I HATE YOU FOR LEAVING ME.

That's apparently how I feel.

And I only found out now.

But no, I don't really hate you.

See, that's me up there talking.

AND THIS IS ME FEELING.

I favor what I think too much when there should be a balance.

it's not that bad

remember how excited you were to tell claudia about your boyfriend? that's because he's the bestest
it's not so bad
it really isn't

yes gurl no surprise there

it's the second night in a row that i'm crying myself too sleep

i'm just sad and hurt and oh my goodness, i am actually depressed

and it hurts so much

it just does


i think i might have not noticed that i was hypomanic last month and now, i am crashing

i just cannot be trusted. it's going to be like this forever. i hate it. i hate it. i hate it.

i suck

apparently people do acquire a horrible and gross attitude when they're hurt
they could even be aware of it
and even being so, still can't help it

L I M B O

i don't know how to do this anymore but i guess i would just learn it again. i just need a space to put this out to. just do what i used to do before i learned to figure out how friendships work, before i learned how to talk and open up.

i don't think this is laziness anymore. i am seriously unmotivated. i have all the signs of depression and if it weren't for the support of my boyfriend and family, albeit them being unaware of it, i would've probably spiraled down to rock bottom. i am just lucky i have the privilege of having a roof over my head, because if i was still living independently, i'm pretty sure i would have lost it by now. i don't know why these things happen at the start of the year... or that could be just a coincidence and it really doesn't have anything to do with new years. but it could have something to do with the weather, right?

so i've accepted work in the hopes that it would get me out of this funk. because i like work. no matter how much i rant about it and complain about stupid client demands, i love worrying. so i accepted writing jobs, a location manager job, the usual line producer and production manager jobs, jobs that require research. and there's nothing i love more than research and discovering and knowing i've done my very best and pulling through in the way only i can do. so what's wrong?

PARTLY because i am scared. i'm scared of failing, of being a failure. now that these people know me. the people i work with--whom for a year i have tried to keep away from my life--know me, I can't help but feel that one way or another I'm going to fuck it up and disappoint them. Because I think I have grown to like them. I didn't want to, I didn't intend to, but apparently, they're pretty nice, decent people, despite having different principles and life views. And disappoint them how and why? Because I'm always bound to disappoint the people around me, that's just how it's always been and always will be. It's been a while since i've had an episode but who knows when it would hit again, right? And when it does, I'm helpless. It's like I don't have a say in the matter. I just have to see it through until it's over and clean up the ashes it would leave behind after burning my life to the ground.

PARTLY because I experienced this traumatizing project months ago and it has left my self-esteem in shambles. It made me feel that I am not as good as I think I was. And even with being aware that everyone around me at that time were ruthless, heartless corporate slaves, it still got through me. It affected me in a way college did. It made me feel LIKE SHIT. Maybe I just didn't belong and they made me feel JUST WRONG for having different sensibilities. I didn't like the rules but I tried to play by it and in the end, it ruined my trust in humankind's ability to be pure and kind and good. In short, I got disillusioned. Fuck being a good person, right? Such petty problems, right?

MAINLY because I know what I want and not being able to have that immediately means I have to be patient and do something else in the meantime. And that something else has to be pretty okay to serve as a temporary thing because otherwise I just can't bring myself to get up everyday to do it. It's already hard enough knowing that none of this is permanent and I will be off somewhere far eventually but to endure it despite all the suckiness and terrible things, it is proving to be almost impossible for me.

But what choice do I have right now? I can't do anything for long term because I will have to leave it eventually. Or maybe I should? And just fuck plans of going to Canada? I just can't imagine spending one more year of long distance relationship. I just can't.

Ugh, grow up.

everything gets lighter, even if it never gets better
thank you, mates of state

spiral

bamboo is on spotify. i don't even know what to say. there are just so many feelings happening right now. i am also unbelievably stoned.

so i'm supposed to write a script for an avp for this event of a big alcohol company. they assigned a superhero to each boss whom will wear the appropriate costume and i will have to create a story which will involve all these characters/bosses. The one they did last year was soooo terrible it went back good again. I don't even know how to top it.

I have no idea what I want to do with my life. Right now the only thing important is that Xavier is coming home in a month. He's only going to be here for a couple of weeks or probably less but it doesn't dampen my excitement at all. I know I will have to live a normal life until then. Keep up with work and try to earn money (because why else do we work) and I don't know the first step to do that.

My life right now has no purpose and it's killing me, slowly. I've seen this before, when I draw myself on edge and eventually there's nowhere else to go except come crashing down. I've seen this before and yet I cannot stop myself from it. My life is just an endless downwards spiral. But I have to endure. Persevere. Overcome. Hello, mature Dee.

2017 healed me

If 2017 was anything, it was a test of who I am as a person. I realized that what people say about me, that I'm nice, is actually true. I am nice, kind, and good. I should stop apologizing for who and how I am. I'm good; I will never be badass or cool, and it's actually okay.

My boyfriend has brought out so much good in me, I don't know how to do it any other way. He's okay with me just being good and not being cool, and he even loves me for it. I think that's the big difference right there and I think that's pretty awesome.

I have learned how it is to be truly kind. Being good doesn't necessarily mean removing hatred in your heart. Being good means being angry. It means believing in your judgment, being aware of what angers you, and being confident about your right to be angry.

There isn't much to achieve in this world by being nice and that's exactly the point. It gets you nearer and nearer to being nothing.