let's try posting when we're not sad

i feel like i'm at the point in my life when i can start doing things because of how i feel about them or because i have to but only and solely because i think they'd be cool. i've got emotional investment on anything outside my family and i think that's what's giving me this level-headedness.

some things i want:

1. learn to write and sustain myself financially from writing and producing my own content -- isn't this what everyone wants though? will my taste be good enough? i realized that i really do love writing. i'm not that good at it but i love doing it. they sy that if you keep doing something you'll end up being good at it but honestly, that's not always true. i ended up being a producer because i know what's good but i can't write it. will it work out for me, you think? how does one expand their vocabulary? do i need to to become a writer?
2. minimalize -- life at home is too cluttered for my taste and i want to do something about it
3. keep taking film photos. i love taking photos. this is something that's always been instinctive for me. never had to learn how and they turn out good anyway.
4. nore time to do things -- meaning, i wish baby would sleep better.

i really feel like always being nice to the world now. but i still can't take bullshit. i'm still too cool for bullshit.

i should be sleeping

 my heart hurts and i should be resting

but i feel like i should write

i feel like i should write but no words come out to describe the state that i am in

miserable?

lonely?

i left someone becase he was far from me

only to be with someone who is here but feels far from me

sometimes i think of ripping off the band-aid and be on my own

it's easier than thinking about what could lie ahead

it gets lonely sometimes

 it's not so bad. i have a responsible partner and a perfect son. but things get rough. inside. sure, it's exhausting (damn, it's exhausting) but it's more than that. diving into this big step, this huge life change, scares me. i am so, so scared. my partner has been so caring and he's tried to support me all the way ever since i gave birth. but i have demons. our past isn't perfect and that haunts me. it haunts me because what if the past manifests itself in the future. what if my now caring partners reverts back to his old self? i'm scared. i'm scared to give this, what we have, my everything. it's stupid because it's what cause the problems in our past in the first place. we were too scared to enter a relationship and ended up ruining things, both of us traumatized.

i know that to be the ideal partner, to be the best that i can be in our relationship, for our family, i have to heal. and i'm not sure how yet. that's what i need to find out.

i'm not even brave enough to write it down. but i should.

when my partner and i were still dating, he left me to date another woman. he then came back to me because it didn't work out with that woman. only to leave me again two weeks later to go back to the same woman. then back to me again when that didn't work out. it hurts me. it didn't used to. but i didn't know better then. now i feel like i was so stupid for allowing him back in my life and that i have no chance to correct my stupidity and redeem myself because i have a child with him. that's how i feel. probably just pride and ego but how do i heal and move past that when he's not even apologetic about it.

it didn't end there though. there were still other women in his life even we officially started dating. even when i was pregnant. 

god, just writing this makes me want to hurl myself off the roof. so fucking stupid.

i mean he's really tried to change. and he did. he's a better person and i'm so proud of him. but damn, just didn't think i'd be a person to tolerate shit like this. i thought i'd be wiser. i thought that after being in a healthy and mature relationship with my ex has taught me what it's like to be in a relationship that i deserve. i'm just so disappointed with myself that i ended up here.

so maybe the first step is to forgive myself. i'll think about how i can do that. what steps i can take to redeem myself.

warm up

 just writing this as a warm up for a script job that i have to submit in a few hours

they say that to be able to write, you have to read. and i think that's true because i don't know how to do either anymore.

i'm supposed to write about real estate

but what do i know about it

i've been feeling overwhelmed from the exhaustion of taking care of a baby coupled with working on hectic script projects. and doing having to do all these without having the comforts of having my own space and privacy. last night i was on the verge of crying. i should have. but instead i switched on the TV, watched Modern Family, and napped. i should have cried. i should have acknowledged that i was tired. it would have cleared my mind and heart, possibly ridding me of creative block.

so what's in this real estate project

it's supposed to be an impressive joint venture between a japanese and filipino developers. with the modern taste and meticulousness of the japanese combined with the the warm sense of community living of the filipino.

it is situated in lipa, an emerging city. away from the chaos but still modern enough to offer comfortable and convenient living.