commitment

i know what it feels to be left behind so i can't just leave people. i have to pull through no matter how hard it is. i can't abandon something or someone because it's getting challenging. when that happens, i have to stand my ground and work harder. this is how i become a better person. this is how much stronger i am now. i pull through. if it's hard, well, tough luck, suck it. a lot of people have got it worse. the only thing i have to do is be true to my word and stop being so whiny. i have to work too like everybody else. i'm not living for myself so there's no point in living if i'm just going to bail on the people who matter to me. people are depending on me. i have to get over myself. fucking brat.

hey ho 2018 let's go

people write so much about the new year and i don't want to pretend that this is one of those. that something is ending and another is beginning. it's really just the same old thing.

 

but just this day on, not because it's new year, i will be more aware of the people i take for granted. there are people i spend so much time, money, and energy on but are not worth as much.

when it comes down to it, i don't regret spending on my family. not one bit. i don't regret spending on the taiwan trip. the only spending i regret are the impulsive ones. the little stuff. i must learn to be less impulsive. 

apparently, the things i constantly worry about aren't what really matters. the only thing i regret is that one shit of a project i had to go through. but everything else is fine. life is fine. work is fine. friends, family, lover, they're all fine. i'm fine.

so if i could plan my 2018, here's what it would be like:

january 

look for a producer for mamang

maybe cynthia alexander

maybe laneway,  probably not

lucban with family

february

get mamang pre-prod rolling again

maybe guimaras, probably not

march

pre-prod for an april shoot

apply for a canadian visa

april

shoot mamang

may

post for mamang

coron with cousins

fly to vancouver

june

post for mamang

i think i'm ready. i'm fine. i'll be fine.

December Part 2: Notes to Self

There is no point in running away. We need to tackle life head on. In all of life's infinite variables, it is important to have a constant. Constant is important in stability. Having a constant means taking care of that constant. Do not fuck it up. It is an option to not add toxicity to our lives. We just need discipline and willpower.

Then again, life is short.

December

So last Friday, the first day of December 2017 was the first-time I got shit-faced in a really long time.

I have already decided not to go out that day seeing the traffic would be impossible on a Friday, on a December, on a 13th month pay day but while doing a bit of an errand in BGC, Dv called and asked me to go to their little cinema's launch that night. I guess half of me wanted to give my support and half of me had FOMO.

So after the errand, I went home for a bit to get ready to go to QC. I got lazy in the process so I left nearly rush hour. My trip took 2 1/2 hours. Thank the software gods for Spotify, I swear.

I got to Maginhawa. R was taking so long so I went in a couple of shops pretending to look at stuff. When R finally came we went to eat at Indonyaki. After that, we walked to the little cinema where the launch is. Chatted up a bit with a few friends then A texted that he's at the convenience store right beside. I went to him then we talked for maybe 30 minutes before I went back to the cinema.

I've really enjoyed hanging out with A and talking to him lately. It's always fun and conversations are meaningful. Maybe because we don't really know a lot about each other yet, especially since we have been out of touch for 4 years and we didn't get to talk a lot in person 4 years ago because of then relationships complications. O's girlfriend C passed by and I forgot to introduce A, sometimes I still feel a little bit awkward letting people know about my friendship with him because  I've experienced people judge so many times before and they're not nice. In fact, they can be complete devils.

So after a while he decided to go home first and I needed to get back to the launch. I invited him to come drinking with us later that night.

The launch was okay but there was a mobile bar so, unlimited cocktails! I had 2 glasses of blue lagoon, 1 or 2 glasses of margarita, and 2 glasses of mojitos. I was drunk by 9pm.

After that, a bunch of us (CP, R, E, Cy) moved to Sarah's. J followed there and saw a few other friends too.

While I was about to get beer from the "bar," someone approached me and said "you're so pretty" to which being drunk and over-confident I automatically said "thank you" and his reaction surprised me. Like I made him feel awkward. He defensively said, "But you don't know me." So said in a very friendly manner, "Yeah, you are?" he stumbled for an answer so our friends nearby introduced him. "Hi, I'm Dee," introducing myself back. I don't remember if I shook his hand. I was too drunk by this time to remember. In retrospect, maybe he just mistook me for someone else, but maybe that's
just my self-esteem talking; can't accept a compliment for what it is.

Later into the evening, G arrived with F and his girlfriend K, and P and his girlfriend J. WHAT A PERFECTLY AWKWARD SCENARIO if it was fiction. But it was real life, so it was really bad. I said hi to all of the except K obviously. F and I even acknowledged each other presence.

A arrived and I didn't even have to keep him entertained, he fit right in. Awesome. I'm pretty sure I introduced him to everyone. Hopefully, I did.

In the middle of our conversation, a guy approached me to ask if I was Dse's line producer and asked for my card. I had to excuse myself from the table to talk to him. (I totally forgot who he was but now I remember that he was the best friend of that businessman we pitched to for our movie.) When I got back to the table the topic was about people's intentions, stemming from R's comment. In the end, it came down to R's opinion that the guy probably just wanted to get my number for himself and not for business.

When G finally approached our table I sprang at him with ARE YOU MAD? WHAT WERE YOU THINKING? He said he kinda told K that I was gonna be there. Knowing him he probably said it very vaguely.

When everyone decided to end the night, G, J, A and I decided to buy alcohol and take a walk inside the campus like the old time. Goal was to reach the grandstand. I was expecting to get caught halfway through but we managed to get there and even stay for an hour and a half, until J's boyfriend (whom I abhor) picker her/us up.


Here were the songs playing that night for reference:

We had them drop us off at Philcoa, just right pass the overpass so I could book an Uber. G rode with me up to Makati and I think we had a good conversation in the car. At some point I think he asked me for advise about his girlfriend, in his words, since she's also crazy. I just can't remember what we talked about.Here's a stunning photo of that morning, completely unflitered:

I never really thought there would be a chance of something like of this night happening again, but it did. Maybe that's why we keep craving for it because it's always possible. It could always happen again and we could always feel it again. In the name of ceaseless yearning and dissatisfaction, amen.

Good times, good times.

What now?

I just "found out" from my boyfriend that he might be staying in Canada for a really long time. I think I've known that for a while but there was the comfort of knowing that there's an option of living somewhere else, living in the Philippines. I think it's final now though. Apparently, he will need to stay to pay off his student loan.

I'm not really sure what to make of it.

If I live in the Philippines, there's the great probability that I would stay where I am in life. Struggling like everyone else, but I will be surrounded by friends and family. It is scary to think about what could happen. I can imagine myself dying from stress. It is really not that far from possible.

Living in Canada, life would be more comfortable. But being away from family and friends might make me miserable and this might make me resent him.

I guess the best way is to try Canada for a short time and see from there.

Fuck Romance

I think sometimes I get tired of romantic.

Romantic is for the first kiss with a stranger, the accidental brush of your hand against your crush's hand, for staying out late and hitting it off with someone you think gets you but in reality, they don't really know you. Romantic isn't for serious relationships, for people who are planning for their future together, for couples who are comfortable with telling their partner that their tummy is grumbling and they need to take a poop.

I don't think there's a compromise.

trying to bring my life back

The thing I miss most is creativity.

I've been working in the advertising industry for a year now and it had stripped me of all my humanity. I can't even write a blog post anymore.
--
I've been browsing through my old blogs earlier and it seems like I've really only loved a few guys in this lifetime. No, I didn't love all of them. I could tell from the way I wrote about them.
--
I've been going out more the past few weeks. I drank almost every day last week. Even went on an impromptu trip to Baler.
--
I reconnected with an old friend, A. While it is nice to have a bestfriend, there are complications. My boyfriend isn't comfortable about it and some of my friends are doubting the intention. Probably because of my history? I dunno.
--
I just want to live again.

It feels good to be understood

Truth is, it feels good to be understood. And feels absolutely shitty to be dismissed. To be made to feel pathetic. Whether it is the other person's intention or not, it doesn't matter.

I was a bit cheerful yesterday, despite my general flimsy mood. In particular, I was genuinely happy, albeit a tiny bit sorrowful, when I shared with my partner that I was glad I didn't kill myself when I was younger. Happy that I'm still alive and sorrowful knowing that kids around the world still go through what I went through and others, way worse. I told him, I hope that young people who are thinking about ending their life have a way of knowing that it does get better. The situation or life itself may not, but they would become bigger. I likened it to a hole that some people have (maybe a void?) deep within them. As time passes, the hole doesn't necessarily get smaller, they will just become bigger as a person, making the hole less felt and maybe even irrelevant. But my partner insisted that the hole does get smaller. I said he was missing the point. But he insisted, because he said, there is no right or wrong holes. That it's different for everyone. What he didn't understand was the point he missed wasn't about the hole getting bigger or smaller. The point was I was trying to open up and explain to him a personal experience. I wasn't arguing about which was wrong or right, which was physical law or metaphysical hypothesis, which was scientific or merely a product of the imagination. The point was seeing hope and displaying resiliency despite that permanent hole we have inside us. Some people are born poor and die from hunger. Some people are too sensitive to withstand the harshness of the world and given that the humanity keeps finding out new ways to be unbelievably ruthless, it becomes challenging for them to live normally. And some people live with lifelong diseases, including mental disorders, that only gets worse over time. But before I could even say anything, he added, shutting me up, (because I guess he didn't want to argue about holes) in what could have been a smug manner, that he really didn't know, because he was fortunate enough to have a happy childhood.

That definitely shut me up. I don't know what he was trying to say. I spent the whole night and the whole day trying to understand. Like I did before. I told myself, we're just different, is all. He didn't mean anything else by that except that we're just different people. I have to understand that. Like I always do.

It's been more than 24 hours and I still can't understand. I kept repeating in my head that no one in the world can really full understand us, ever. We are all different from each other. We all die alone. See, I know all these things. But I'm still hurt. I don't understand how such insensitivity can come from him. Maybe from other people I wouldn't have been surprised? Maybe from my exes? And I wouldn't have opened up to other people anyway. But why did he say that? Maybe he just wasn't listening? He though it was just a random existential thought? I still don't understand.

Heaven help me understand.

In The Middle

I feel like starting a new blog again, in the hopes of sparking a new-found desire in human life, but I don't think I'm ready, nor worthy.  I think too little of my life to even document its day-to-day. But still, let me try.

If it doesn't work on my BuJo you'll find me back here soon.

lazy

I've been suffering with this toothache for a few days but in reality, I've had this tooth problem for 2 months. I knew I need to have my wisdom tooth taken out but I didn't.

Leaving in 4 days for Indonesia and I am super excited but also worried about this tooth pain. I would hate for it to ruin the trip. I'm also worried about money. I don't have any in liquid right now and it's embarrassing.

I don't have patience for writing anymore. I'm not sure if it's the presence of a supportive boyfriend or if I have just gotten lazy.

don't forget yourself

you used to be brave
you ran through the wild
towards the moon
howled with the wolves
you slept in the cold
lake with your clothes off
with your feelings bare

you held stars
you were one with the sky
you stood with the trees
walked on the breath of the world
carrying life, color to each dew, grass

you were of the universe
remember, child,
you still am