Surprise. It's me, writing here, instead of being content with a quick Twitter rant.
I have a new boyfriend. (Not entirely new but new officially.) But he has a problem with... caring enough with how I feel? Not because he's doing it deliberately but because he just doesn't know how. He doesn't seem to respect my time and my feelings as much as I would want him to. I do know that he's trying. I just need to figure out if this is something I can stand for the long run. The real old boyfriend spoiled me to bits so there's much to live up to in terms of expectations, really. He ended up breaking my heart though so what does that say?
Is it too late to be questioning if I made the right decision? Have I already made a decision?
This is not the best time to get into a new relationship. A new relationship requires a lot of work and I really need to be focusing on my work. I have a heavy responsibility now that I have taken the role of a producer. A role that I am clearly not ready for. Well, that was one of 2019's biggest mistakes, establishing myself as a producer when I am not yet there. We'll how Ikigai and mindfulness play in my 2020. If I fail though, is there really something to be upset about? I know that if I'm with the old boyfriend, I'd feel safe and secure even after failure. With the new one though, I'm just scared he'll leave me. What does that mean?
Tuesday, December 17, 2019
Sunday, December 1, 2019
i will
so i chose love.
it's a struggle which i don't know if i'm emotionally equipped for. i guess we'll see.
work comes first for now. focus and flow.
it's a struggle which i don't know if i'm emotionally equipped for. i guess we'll see.
work comes first for now. focus and flow.
Friday, November 22, 2019
i could
i used to be really good with stream-of-consciousness blogging. even at 3am. especially at 3am. now i'm too lazy to even use proper letter capitalization.
But I will try. After all, what's a better reflection than an introspection? Sometimes we can't really find the answers from the people around us. We're all just too different from each other and each other's experiences.
So P and I broke up. We had a talk the other night. He texted first, about still not being able to commit. Impulsive that I am, it took me 0 seconds to reply a goodbye. I know, real mature. Grow some balls to face things, yeah? So he came over to talk, to explain things.
I asked him why he came over. He paused and collected his thoughts. And proceeded to tell me about what he meant in his texts. Just 2 weeks ago he wanted us to be officially together, and now he's back to being flaky. He also said something about him always being the one to dictate what happens in our relationship. I said it was only because I was capable of adjusting, compromising. Not anymore though, I can't adjust my life for him anymore. I just gave it a try, I said.
He said he wants that once we decide to be together we'll be happy and it will be perfect. I laughed at this. I guess I didn't understand at the time. But the truth is, deep inside, I think that's what I want to. I want it to be perfect, because we are perfect and we have waited for this for too long. I think the problem is his guilt. He feels like our situation is unfair to me. Maybe it is. He asked me what I want. I said during our break I realized that I don't want anything casual anymore. It all just seems half-assed. And I don't do things half-assed.
I mustered a bit of courage and told him what I really want. Honestly, if you ask me, what I really want is for us to be together. But every time I go near that possibility, I back out. I just can't. I can't do it. He says he feels exactly the same. He says he already felt like that even before he started dating the other girl. I don't know why he mentioned this. Why is it relevant that he's thought of this before he dated the other girl? What is the significance of the other girl in our relationship? How does her existence play a role in all of this?
He says he needs assurance. I said, what? You mean that I need assurance from you, right? Because why you? Why would you need assurance from me? I think this is where I got lost. I didn't really understand what he meant. He mentioned their family business, their plan to migrate to Canada, and such. He said he feels like we should be doing something together. I said, no, we don't. We could be doing separate things and have a healthy relationship at the same time. In fact, that's a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship, being able to deal with life practically, individually, and still being together. I said, i'll be there for him if he needs help with his stuff while I'm still doing my own things. This is where it gets even more confusing. He was struggling to explain that it's because I'm... something... and then he mentioned that for example, if I was a devout Catholic, things would be simpler because I'd be automatically be under the man's wing. I didn't know how to explain it either. I said there's no point talking about the future because we're not together. It's irrelevant right now. But I said, if we were together, then we would be together. I'm not scared to compromise. I'm confident about who I am that I know that it will not make me less of a person if I make a compromise for my personal and romantic happiness. He made a notion that he understood but I'm not sure if he did.
Then it came to the part where we had to make a decision. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go to counselling. He seemed to scowl at the thought. Well, I tried. Naturally, I said that there's only two things--either we struggle resolving this together or we just go to a full stop. Wow, so brave, right? We decided to make a full stop. We'd still be friends around other friends, but not with each other.
He said because there's not assurance, there's a strong urge to date other people. I didn't understand what one thing has to do with the other though. He said that he didn't want to hurt me. Because he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. I laughed. I said I'd still be hurt either way--not being together just rids him of the guilt. He says he knows what his decisions in the future, but not right now. God, haven't I been here/have heard this before? Just a year ago, with X. Well, if I have been here before then I know that he'll come around. But it's the pride, the ego, that doesn't accept men who come around. The entire thing just turns me off. It's not even that I can't get past it. It just turns me off completely. But maybe I do really have to lower my standards--these are men, after all, that I'm dealing with. Yuck.
So, yeah, we ended up deciding that we're ending things.
As I kept thinking about it the past 2 days, I kept thinking that I'd compromise my life plan for the off chance that we really might make this work eventually. But maybe that's too easy. Maybe I should focus on fixing my life enough that when he or someone else comes, I'd really be, truthfully, ready to compromise.
Yup, P, I will fix my life and try not to get ahead of things. I will stay in the present and try not too plan too much for the future. Just be secure enough that I could jump ship at any time, because let's be true to ourselves, we'd want to get tired of this current life soon. I do want to be with you, but I'm not sure I'll be happy with what you have planned for us. I'm no basic girl, as you know. But promise me that I'll never get bored and our life will be a never ending adventure and I swear that I will make you the most loved person in the world. I guess, there. I guess that's what I wanted to say.
But I will try. After all, what's a better reflection than an introspection? Sometimes we can't really find the answers from the people around us. We're all just too different from each other and each other's experiences.
So P and I broke up. We had a talk the other night. He texted first, about still not being able to commit. Impulsive that I am, it took me 0 seconds to reply a goodbye. I know, real mature. Grow some balls to face things, yeah? So he came over to talk, to explain things.
I asked him why he came over. He paused and collected his thoughts. And proceeded to tell me about what he meant in his texts. Just 2 weeks ago he wanted us to be officially together, and now he's back to being flaky. He also said something about him always being the one to dictate what happens in our relationship. I said it was only because I was capable of adjusting, compromising. Not anymore though, I can't adjust my life for him anymore. I just gave it a try, I said.
He said he wants that once we decide to be together we'll be happy and it will be perfect. I laughed at this. I guess I didn't understand at the time. But the truth is, deep inside, I think that's what I want to. I want it to be perfect, because we are perfect and we have waited for this for too long. I think the problem is his guilt. He feels like our situation is unfair to me. Maybe it is. He asked me what I want. I said during our break I realized that I don't want anything casual anymore. It all just seems half-assed. And I don't do things half-assed.
I mustered a bit of courage and told him what I really want. Honestly, if you ask me, what I really want is for us to be together. But every time I go near that possibility, I back out. I just can't. I can't do it. He says he feels exactly the same. He says he already felt like that even before he started dating the other girl. I don't know why he mentioned this. Why is it relevant that he's thought of this before he dated the other girl? What is the significance of the other girl in our relationship? How does her existence play a role in all of this?
He says he needs assurance. I said, what? You mean that I need assurance from you, right? Because why you? Why would you need assurance from me? I think this is where I got lost. I didn't really understand what he meant. He mentioned their family business, their plan to migrate to Canada, and such. He said he feels like we should be doing something together. I said, no, we don't. We could be doing separate things and have a healthy relationship at the same time. In fact, that's a prerequisite to having a healthy relationship, being able to deal with life practically, individually, and still being together. I said, i'll be there for him if he needs help with his stuff while I'm still doing my own things. This is where it gets even more confusing. He was struggling to explain that it's because I'm... something... and then he mentioned that for example, if I was a devout Catholic, things would be simpler because I'd be automatically be under the man's wing. I didn't know how to explain it either. I said there's no point talking about the future because we're not together. It's irrelevant right now. But I said, if we were together, then we would be together. I'm not scared to compromise. I'm confident about who I am that I know that it will not make me less of a person if I make a compromise for my personal and romantic happiness. He made a notion that he understood but I'm not sure if he did.
Then it came to the part where we had to make a decision. I tried to ask him if he wanted to go to counselling. He seemed to scowl at the thought. Well, I tried. Naturally, I said that there's only two things--either we struggle resolving this together or we just go to a full stop. Wow, so brave, right? We decided to make a full stop. We'd still be friends around other friends, but not with each other.
He said because there's not assurance, there's a strong urge to date other people. I didn't understand what one thing has to do with the other though. He said that he didn't want to hurt me. Because he doesn't want to ruin the friendship. I laughed. I said I'd still be hurt either way--not being together just rids him of the guilt. He says he knows what his decisions in the future, but not right now. God, haven't I been here/have heard this before? Just a year ago, with X. Well, if I have been here before then I know that he'll come around. But it's the pride, the ego, that doesn't accept men who come around. The entire thing just turns me off. It's not even that I can't get past it. It just turns me off completely. But maybe I do really have to lower my standards--these are men, after all, that I'm dealing with. Yuck.
So, yeah, we ended up deciding that we're ending things.
As I kept thinking about it the past 2 days, I kept thinking that I'd compromise my life plan for the off chance that we really might make this work eventually. But maybe that's too easy. Maybe I should focus on fixing my life enough that when he or someone else comes, I'd really be, truthfully, ready to compromise.
Yup, P, I will fix my life and try not to get ahead of things. I will stay in the present and try not too plan too much for the future. Just be secure enough that I could jump ship at any time, because let's be true to ourselves, we'd want to get tired of this current life soon. I do want to be with you, but I'm not sure I'll be happy with what you have planned for us. I'm no basic girl, as you know. But promise me that I'll never get bored and our life will be a never ending adventure and I swear that I will make you the most loved person in the world. I guess, there. I guess that's what I wanted to say.
Monday, September 2, 2019
we're okay
i just need to get my shit together. remind myself what all of this is for. am i burned out? i can't be.
this will work. we need to trust.
it will happen. endure this for a couple of months more.
but right now we need to stay vigilant. we need to work hard. we want something to happen. we don't know what that is yet but we have to be responsible. there is still a lot of work to be done in this world. fight on, fight harder.
it's not a lot. it's just a few things that we need to tick off one by one.
this will work. we need to trust.
it will happen. endure this for a couple of months more.
but right now we need to stay vigilant. we need to work hard. we want something to happen. we don't know what that is yet but we have to be responsible. there is still a lot of work to be done in this world. fight on, fight harder.
it's not a lot. it's just a few things that we need to tick off one by one.
Sunday, August 4, 2019
keep pushing
it's our day 4 tomorrow and i'm still scared. i need to be scared. i can't be too lax. i need to be scared of how it will turn out. scared of being able to finish it. i can't be lax.
i am so thankful for being given this opportunity but i'm scared of asking for credit. but i need it. i don't know if it's right though. i'll think it through. i just don't want to pay back anything. i'll only take the credit if i deserve it.
i need wisdom. please grant me wisdom.
i am so thankful for being given this opportunity but i'm scared of asking for credit. but i need it. i don't know if it's right though. i'll think it through. i just don't want to pay back anything. i'll only take the credit if i deserve it.
i need wisdom. please grant me wisdom.
Sunday, July 28, 2019
we talked
so we talked. and we're okay.
i asked him if i should wait for him.
he said yes.
is this person in love with me?
what am i still doing with x if i like this person?
why am i too impatient? maybe i just miss him too much?
maybe i'm just horny?
it was a good night of cleaning, doing laundry, and taking a really long shower. i've never been happier with the mundane.
i asked him if i should wait for him.
he said yes.
is this person in love with me?
what am i still doing with x if i like this person?
why am i too impatient? maybe i just miss him too much?
maybe i'm just horny?
it was a good night of cleaning, doing laundry, and taking a really long shower. i've never been happier with the mundane.
Thursday, July 18, 2019
sex drugs rock n roll
so today i worked despite my struggle with focusing. i did core and arms yoga. went to my meeting in ABS. went to direk's house. then went to uniqlo. where i ended up spending money i dont have.
i didn't miss him that much today. i guess sometimes we don't have to force doing the right thing. what's one person wasted anyway, right? we can touch more if we would only let go of this one and focus on others. so i guess this is me letting go of that. i think i did everything i could.
i'm very suspicious of people who could name their favorite songs at the top of their head. i'm starting to believe that everybody should keep listening to new things even at the risk of not being able to old things because the world is evolving and people don't stop creating. someone's got to listen. that one hour you don't spend listening to old music is one hour you can spend discovering new songs.
this is why i like having a "current favorites" playlist. it's a great way to explore new favorite that i might want to be able to hold on to for the rest of my life. some will probably stay, some might end up being forgotten but that's the beauty of having the chance to listen to it repeatedly until you know if it's for you or not.
man, i need sex. i should get some.
i didn't miss him that much today. i guess sometimes we don't have to force doing the right thing. what's one person wasted anyway, right? we can touch more if we would only let go of this one and focus on others. so i guess this is me letting go of that. i think i did everything i could.
i'm very suspicious of people who could name their favorite songs at the top of their head. i'm starting to believe that everybody should keep listening to new things even at the risk of not being able to old things because the world is evolving and people don't stop creating. someone's got to listen. that one hour you don't spend listening to old music is one hour you can spend discovering new songs.
this is why i like having a "current favorites" playlist. it's a great way to explore new favorite that i might want to be able to hold on to for the rest of my life. some will probably stay, some might end up being forgotten but that's the beauty of having the chance to listen to it repeatedly until you know if it's for you or not.
man, i need sex. i should get some.
Wednesday, July 17, 2019
dee
i'm back in my hypomania. i'm not quite there yet but i feel it swinging up. as long as i'm aware of it i can maximize it. maybe i'll do a bit of mindfulness tonight. maybe.
i'm okay with having him out of my life. i'm seriously going to be okay. but i care about him because i've seen him be good. he can be. but i guess i just have to accept that not everyone is deserving of us. no matter how much we try to reach out, there are really some people we won't be able to touch. i think that's where my frustration is coming from. that i didn't succeed on this one. sigh. but i tried, right? i really did. as long as i know i did everything that i could then i'm okay.
i'm okay with having him out of my life. i'm seriously going to be okay. but i care about him because i've seen him be good. he can be. but i guess i just have to accept that not everyone is deserving of us. no matter how much we try to reach out, there are really some people we won't be able to touch. i think that's where my frustration is coming from. that i didn't succeed on this one. sigh. but i tried, right? i really did. as long as i know i did everything that i could then i'm okay.
Thursday, July 11, 2019
Tuesday, July 9, 2019
i love you
Mahal kita. Mahal kita sa bawat araw na naiisip kita. Mahal kita sa bawat segundo na kasama kita. Mahal kita tuwing inaaway kita. Mahal kita tuwing nahihirapan ka at kailangan mo ng kasama. Mahal kita mula noong unang beses kitang makita. Mahal kita mula limang taon na ang nakalilipas.
Mahal na nakakatakot. Mahal na ibibigay mo ang lahat, buong-buo. Mahal na masakit at masaya. Mahal na sasabihin ko ba ito sa 'yo?
Hindi ko maiwasang isipin, meron ba akong nagawa? O mayroon ba akong hindi nagawa? Baka nga hindi ito tungkol sa 'kin, baka tungkol ito sa pag-ibig na wagas at mapagpalaya. Tungkol ito sa pagbibigay-daan sa puro at dakila. Walang kapalit, walang hinihingi. Tungkol ito sa mga bagay na pwedeng iwan sa mundong dinatnang makasarili, nakahawla.
Parte ito ng ating Ikigai. Kasama ng pagbuo ng ideyal na buhay ang kakayanang mag-alay ng pag-ibig.
Ano ang mali sa pagsubok? Mabuti nang sumubok at mabigo, kaysa hindi masubukan magpakailanman.
Mahal na nakakatakot. Mahal na ibibigay mo ang lahat, buong-buo. Mahal na masakit at masaya. Mahal na sasabihin ko ba ito sa 'yo?
Hindi ko maiwasang isipin, meron ba akong nagawa? O mayroon ba akong hindi nagawa? Baka nga hindi ito tungkol sa 'kin, baka tungkol ito sa pag-ibig na wagas at mapagpalaya. Tungkol ito sa pagbibigay-daan sa puro at dakila. Walang kapalit, walang hinihingi. Tungkol ito sa mga bagay na pwedeng iwan sa mundong dinatnang makasarili, nakahawla.
Parte ito ng ating Ikigai. Kasama ng pagbuo ng ideyal na buhay ang kakayanang mag-alay ng pag-ibig.
Ano ang mali sa pagsubok? Mabuti nang sumubok at mabigo, kaysa hindi masubukan magpakailanman.
Monday, July 8, 2019
good break-up
my love left me last night. and maybe it's for the best. i'll be able to focus on myself and him on himself.
i just hope he knows that i can wait for him. it will be really nice if he waits for me too. it's okay if he doesn't, i think i'm okay without him. it just hurts right now. the pain(t) too fresh.
i want nothing but the best for him. as for myself, i can't wait to soar.
i'll always love him. probably forever. the one that got away.
i just hope he knows that i can wait for him. it will be really nice if he waits for me too. it's okay if he doesn't, i think i'm okay without him. it just hurts right now. the pain(t) too fresh.
i want nothing but the best for him. as for myself, i can't wait to soar.
i'll always love him. probably forever. the one that got away.
hurt
what is life for if not for the extreme? i used to think. but after having been hurt countless times i have become to broken to risk.
Sunday, July 7, 2019
dear diary
i am in love and i am scared of the feeling.
i think last night was proof that i'm not ready. people teasing me around the guy made me want to hide under a rock.
i haven't liked someone this much in a while; it's almost alien.
it's crazy how we pull away from the person who loves us only because we can't understand why they chose us. why me? what makes me special? are you sure? are you really, absolutely sure?
i taught myself to be logical when it comes to love and relationships and yet, i find myself here again. stuttering, stumbling, hiding.
i need to reconcile with my insecurities and maybe get a shot at being happy with the person i truly love.
i think last night was proof that i'm not ready. people teasing me around the guy made me want to hide under a rock.
i haven't liked someone this much in a while; it's almost alien.
it's crazy how we pull away from the person who loves us only because we can't understand why they chose us. why me? what makes me special? are you sure? are you really, absolutely sure?
i taught myself to be logical when it comes to love and relationships and yet, i find myself here again. stuttering, stumbling, hiding.
i need to reconcile with my insecurities and maybe get a shot at being happy with the person i truly love.
Tuesday, May 21, 2019
i just figured
It's time i get in touch with my feelings regularly.
I haven't been as productive as I should. I think this is really proving to be one of those transitional phases except that I have unfinished business(es) I need to attend to. I am learning what it's actually like to be a grown-up--you can't just reinvent yourself as easily. You are responsible for things and people and bigger things.
I haven't been as productive as I should. I think this is really proving to be one of those transitional phases except that I have unfinished business(es) I need to attend to. I am learning what it's actually like to be a grown-up--you can't just reinvent yourself as easily. You are responsible for things and people and bigger things.
Thursday, May 16, 2019
is anybody out there?
I'm back to my pseudo-normal life. I'm working. I'm fighting. I'm in a semi-normal relationship. As normal and basic as it can get given the circumstances.
I'm fixing my life before it hits rock bottom. Nope, it hasn't hit that yet but it's cutting it too close.
I'm cleaning and re-arranging my room. As normal as normal gets. Then I have to buy dinner. Then I'll probably smoke and read and listen to music. As normal as normal gets.
Normal gets you nowhere, I know. But as long as it's not rock bottom.
I'm fixing my life before it hits rock bottom. Nope, it hasn't hit that yet but it's cutting it too close.
I'm cleaning and re-arranging my room. As normal as normal gets. Then I have to buy dinner. Then I'll probably smoke and read and listen to music. As normal as normal gets.
Normal gets you nowhere, I know. But as long as it's not rock bottom.
Saturday, February 9, 2019
heartaches
i haven't been writing here. i guess we grow tired of our own voice eventually after years of whining. but i just need this right now.
i'm broken but i am trying hard to not fall apart. i have worked so hard for the past three years to keep my sanity intact and i can't let something so stupid get in the way of my progress. i am not going to fall apart. eyes forward, head in the game.
i was going to cardio this morning but i was too hungry so i ended up getting a meal instead. now i want to cardio but can't because i'm full. yeah, life. i'm getting bothered by my physical state and decided to get back into fitness. i really need to get a yoga mat though. and start a habit of exercising in the morning instead of the afternoon.
my financial situation is very weird. i am not super broke but i need constant work to maintain this lifestyle. i am spending so much in a day. i really need to figure out how to spend less by cooking and commuting. i'm also getting air-conditioning and internet connection next month so good luck with that. i really wanted to take a break from working my ass off but i guess not. i wish more work would come when i get back from japan.
most of all, i really need to be happy again. i pushed myself and now i'm on a slump. i knew it would happen but i guess i was hoping that maybe, maybe it wouldn't. i just never learn.
i really need my friends and i really need someone to talk to. the loneliness is killing me.
i'm broken but i am trying hard to not fall apart. i have worked so hard for the past three years to keep my sanity intact and i can't let something so stupid get in the way of my progress. i am not going to fall apart. eyes forward, head in the game.
i was going to cardio this morning but i was too hungry so i ended up getting a meal instead. now i want to cardio but can't because i'm full. yeah, life. i'm getting bothered by my physical state and decided to get back into fitness. i really need to get a yoga mat though. and start a habit of exercising in the morning instead of the afternoon.
my financial situation is very weird. i am not super broke but i need constant work to maintain this lifestyle. i am spending so much in a day. i really need to figure out how to spend less by cooking and commuting. i'm also getting air-conditioning and internet connection next month so good luck with that. i really wanted to take a break from working my ass off but i guess not. i wish more work would come when i get back from japan.
most of all, i really need to be happy again. i pushed myself and now i'm on a slump. i knew it would happen but i guess i was hoping that maybe, maybe it wouldn't. i just never learn.
i really need my friends and i really need someone to talk to. the loneliness is killing me.
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