we talked

so we talked. and we're okay.
i asked him if i should wait for him.
he said yes.
is this person in love with me?

what am i still doing with x if i like this person?
why am i too impatient? maybe i just miss him too much?
maybe i'm just horny?

it was a good night of cleaning, doing laundry, and taking a really long shower. i've never been happier with the mundane.

sex drugs rock n roll

so today i worked despite my struggle with focusing. i did core and arms yoga. went to my meeting in ABS. went to direk's house. then went to uniqlo. where i ended up spending money i dont have.

i didn't miss him that much today. i guess sometimes we don't have to force doing the right thing. what's one person wasted anyway, right? we can touch more if we would only let go of this one and focus on others. so i guess this is me letting go of that. i think i did everything i could.

i'm very suspicious of people who could name their favorite songs at the top of their head. i'm starting to believe that everybody should keep listening to new things even at the risk of not being able to old things because the world is evolving and people don't stop creating. someone's got to listen. that one hour you don't spend listening to old music is one hour you can spend discovering new songs.

this is why i like having a "current favorites" playlist. it's a great way to explore new favorite that i might want to be able to hold on to for the rest of my life. some will probably stay, some might end up being forgotten but that's the beauty of having the chance to listen to it repeatedly until you know if it's for you or not.

man, i need sex. i should get some.

dee

i'm back in my hypomania. i'm not quite there yet but i feel it swinging up. as long as i'm aware of it i can maximize it. maybe i'll do a bit of mindfulness tonight. maybe.

i'm okay with having him out of my life. i'm seriously going to be okay. but i care about him because i've seen him be good. he can be. but i guess i just have to accept that not everyone is deserving of us. no matter how much we try to reach out, there are really some people we won't be able to touch. i think that's where my frustration is coming from. that i didn't succeed on this one. sigh. but i tried, right? i really did. as long as i know i did everything that i could then i'm okay.

dying

i haven't felt pain like this in a long time, maybe in 5 years

i love you

Mahal kita. Mahal kita sa bawat araw na naiisip kita. Mahal kita sa bawat segundo na kasama kita. Mahal kita tuwing inaaway kita.  Mahal kita tuwing nahihirapan ka at kailangan mo ng kasama. Mahal kita mula noong unang beses kitang makita. Mahal kita mula limang taon na ang nakalilipas.

Mahal na nakakatakot. Mahal na ibibigay mo ang lahat, buong-buo. Mahal na masakit at masaya. Mahal na sasabihin ko ba ito sa 'yo?

Hindi ko maiwasang isipin, meron ba akong nagawa? O mayroon ba akong hindi nagawa? Baka nga hindi ito tungkol sa 'kin, baka tungkol ito sa pag-ibig na wagas at mapagpalaya. Tungkol ito sa pagbibigay-daan sa puro at dakila. Walang kapalit, walang hinihingi. Tungkol ito sa mga bagay na pwedeng iwan sa mundong dinatnang makasarili, nakahawla.

Parte ito ng ating Ikigai. Kasama ng pagbuo ng ideyal na buhay ang kakayanang mag-alay ng pag-ibig.

Ano ang mali sa pagsubok? Mabuti nang sumubok at mabigo, kaysa hindi masubukan magpakailanman.

good break-up

my love left me last night. and maybe it's for the best. i'll be able to focus on myself and him on himself.

i just hope he knows that i can wait for him. it will be really nice if he waits for me too. it's okay if he doesn't, i think i'm okay without him. it just hurts right now. the pain(t) too fresh.

i want nothing but the best for him. as for myself, i can't wait to soar.

i'll always love him. probably forever. the one that got away.

hurt

what is life for if not for the extreme? i used to think. but after having been hurt countless times i have become to broken to risk.

dear diary

i am in love and i am scared of the feeling.

i think last night was proof that i'm not ready. people teasing me around the guy made me want to hide under a rock.

i haven't liked someone this much in a while; it's almost alien.

it's crazy how we pull away from the person who loves us only because we can't understand why they chose us. why me? what makes me special? are you sure? are you really, absolutely sure?

i taught myself to be logical when it comes to love and relationships and yet, i find myself here again. stuttering, stumbling, hiding.

i need to reconcile with my insecurities and maybe get a shot at being happy with the person i truly love.