money

I am writing here in the hopes of getting my creative juice flowing. I have a deadline in a few hours and I'm exhausted from caring for my newborn. I wish I didn't have to work. I wish I could spend all day taking care of him and recovering physically and mentally myself.. But such is life.

The bottom line is, I need more money. I'm pretty proud of what I've been able to do so far. I went through my third trimester of pregnancy working super hard and now, I am almost free of debt. The problem is I didn't know the fourth trimester would be this tough. I barely sleep, my body's still not at it's optimum, and I can barely finish work. As much as I want to recover fast, I must also be patient with my body and myself, and take this time to enjoy the early days with my baby.

But this one last job that I have to do, I have to do really well. I've been late with submissions for the past projects and I really want to keep getting jobs from this agency because they're easy to work with and they pay well. I am also getting burned out from my full-time job so I am considering letting go of that. But it might not be the best decision right now to let of a stable and secure job even though it pays less.

I'm really at a point where I just want to provide for my family. I wish the universe would allow that. I wish the universe would see that this time, I am trying to make things right. Or maybe it's time to reflect on things, my priorities and my life goals. The clearer they are to me, the easier it would be to manifest them from the universe.

new interface

I think this is the time where I pause and reflect on my fears.

I have been procrastinating lately, partly because of pregnancy fatigue, mostly because of anxiety. The fear of dealing with things that could completely go wrong and bring unimaginable stress. This is something that I have to overcome if I want our child birthing to be gentle and natural. I have to work on my mental strength and confront things head on.

I have a lot of to-do's but I think it would help if I list down the ones I need to prioritize for work:

1. Finish liquidation - 2 projects

2. Finish transcription

3. Work on my deck

4. Research on digital marketing

5. Post marketing for future classes.

That's it. That's all I have to do for now. Not too difficult right? Now let's start with one.

stronger

 I need to be tough. There is no room for doubts. Anxiety is just our physiological reaction to what's on our mind. It's okay. It shouldn't be disrupt us. It's a feeling we should lean on, be comfortable with, not push away.

Despite everything raining down on me today, I see this as a sign that I am ready to face them head on.

i'm not useless and i'm not worthless. i can change the world if i choose to. i am worthy of this life, of this world.

just a little post to pump me up

i've reached this far. i've gone through so much and this isn't the time to quit. i didn't work on myself for four years just to be broken down by a fucking virus.

i'm getting up because i am fighting. i am smart and i am good at what i do and none can prove me otherwise.

need my head/work space back

hi

i'm having trouble facing my problems. i have one big problem of a liquidation which i just need to overcome and i feel like a huge load would be taken off my shoulder if i just take care of it. but my head is not in it. and i need to get my game back. i'm slowly getting there though, i can feel it. i just need the control over my life back.

the changes have been fast and overwhelming and i haven't been taking it as easily as i would expect. i'm not adjusting as fast as i would want. but i'm here and i have to deal with now. there's really no other way. i just need to accept this as best as i could as soon as possible. the sooner i do that, the sooner i'll have peace.

hormonal

It's about time I wrote here again. I haven't been writing in my notebook and my head's a mess. I am unable to get my mood under control even when the pressure to act is high. Maybe I just need a moment of silence and a moment to get my head back in the game. I feel like my life is not my own anymore. There's this feeling of transformation and I am caught in between. I don't know how to be anybody else but me and the situation is forcing me to be someone else. But maybe there is a way to reconcile this. I'm sure there is. I'm just not strong enough yet.

Sometime I just feel like I'm less of myself. Or I have to be less of myself. Because I have to compromise. I can't maximize my potential because that would ruin my personal relationship. I miss being in control. I tried letting go of control and so far, nothing has happened still. We haven't moved forward. Maybe it's time to put my feet down and do something. I just need to get strong again.

It's been a while

I always write on my journal now. But I guess this is something different. I am now seriously considering if me and my partner will be able to work this relationship out. I am starting to lose hope. I feel like he hates me and doesn't trust me. He never wants to talk to me. About anything. When we fight, he never admits fault. It's always me: I don't listen. Too difficult. Too pushy. Too opinionated. Too everything.

I don't want to be with someone who abhors me. I never believed that I do or don't deserve certain things but I've been thinking, heavens, somebody tell me, do I deserve this? Am I that awful? Am I so evil? I'm really starting to doubt myself. Because I was trying to grow to become a better person. Was I wrong all this time? Lord, I am not perfect, I have my flaws, and I know them. Perhaps I know them a little too well. I criticize myself too often that I've grown to be insecure. I am never good enough for myself. But to not even hit the bare minimum for my partner? I would really like to know.

Is this the result of being loved well enough throughout my life? That I can't bear to receive less of the love I'm used to having? Is that a bad thing? To know what I want and need emotionally?

Heaven knows I've been trying. I've been trying hard. I don't know what else to do. I'm out.

PMS Week

March 23, Monday

Went for a supply run and took us a whole day. I was worried because my immune system was down from having not eaten any breakfast and also because it's my PMS week.

When we got home I cooked us late lunch. Bacon--I know it's processed but it's also easy--and eggs. I proceeded to clean the fridge after that while boyfriend worked out.

I cleaned out the cupboard and did as much as I could but the boyfriend was being toxic and hurtful, the sink got clogged, and I gave up.


March 24, Tuesday

I woke up with aching muscles and just a general feeling of unwell-ness. I got scared and worried but eventually I felt better. I attempted to cook Nasi Goreng and it was a failure but still edible.

Boyfriend grilled milkfish for dinner. I decided to take Berocca.

Boyfriend got mad because I sent a friend his photo with a facial clay on. He doesn't like being made fun of.

I apologized.

Boyfriend and I went to sleep okay.


March 25, Wednesday

I woke up with asthma-like cough.

I cooked omelette for breakfast.

We watched a film, didn't finish it, and napped.

I woke up and joined a conference call for a voluntary initiative to create a database for relief and donation efforts.

Boyfriend decided he wanted to continue watching the film without me.

I got mad and locked myself in the room. That's where I am now.

I have a low-grade fever.

Should I start to get worried?

Quarantine: Not a Movie

March 22, Sunday

Day 6 of the Enhanced Community Quarantine. Tonight, I'm sleeping on an airbed in the living room. So how did it come to this?


March 12, Thursday

Day after our ocular around the city for our film. A quarantine for the entire metro was declared. It didn't seem so bad yet. People were panic-buying. I stayed home.

March 13, Friday

The tension is starting to escalated but I was chill. Boyfriend had to go home to his family.

March 14, Saturday

Boyfriend is back from his family's house. We went to the supermarket hoping to get groceries but it was too packed with people panic-buying.

March 15, Sunday

Went to a veggie drop-off. There were few people. Boyfriend sneezed in public without covering his mouth. An old man got really REALLY mad. Boyfriend took offence and got equally mad--the whole day.

March 16, Monday

We went out to get groceries. We thought there would be less people now. There were less but it was still packed. I got so stressed by this.

At night, Enhanced Community Quarantine was declared. This means curfew, checkpoints, no mass transportation, and you can only go out to get food or meds.

March 17, Tuesday

Day 1 of ECQ. Things were well. We spent the day cleaning and cooking. Boyfriend cleaned outside. We also had sex.

March 18, Wednesday

I had a short work call. It was very unnecessary but oh well, okay.

I video called friends and had a short drink with them. I just wanted to check in on them and made sure they're okay mental health-wise. A little bit of compassion goes a long way these days.

March 19, Thursday

Boyfriend continued cleaning the house. He cleaned the whole day, it was very impressive.

March 20, Friday

Boyfriend had a work video call. I decided to go for a supply run. I did not realize that checkpoints where everywhere. I had to go the long way round to get to the supermarket. When I got there, I went straight to the door but the guards closed it. That's when I saw the sign that said, NO FACE MASK, NO ENTRY. I turned around to see a guy selling cloth face masks. That's when I also saw the long line of people also hoping to get groceries. They only let a few people in at a time hence the long line. This is when I started to get super stressed. I decided I will not be able to handle the stress of the long line and walked home. On my way home, it started to rain. Just what a day.

My friend J visited us and cooked us dinner. I know this was a bad idea given the quarantine and all but we were very careful. He took a shower as soon as he got to our house and we maintained distance. I just wanted to help a friend out because he just went through a bad break-up and is living alone in the apartment where he used to live with the girl.

So we drank that night. My boyfriend couldn't join us because he had really bad allergic rhinitis from cleaning the day before. We are really close friends so we had no problem telling each other about our personal relationships. I asked him whether it's normal for a guy my boyfriend's age to not be interested in sex. He said it's not. He said I should try to initiate, he said he's sure that that will change things. We were so drunk and called it a night. I told him to sleep in the other bedroom. I went into our room and asked my boyfriend to have sex with me. I don't remember what I said or how I did it but I did. It didn't work though. It was 3:30 AM and he was too sleepy. I stormed out with the stash and went to the guest room. I woke up our friend and told him that oh my god my boyfriend is hopeless. I don't know what else I said but the next thing I know he was kissing me. He also touched me down there. It took my brain a few seconds to react because I was so inebriated. I jumped out of the bed and ran out of the room.

March 21, Saturday

I woke up with a really bad hangover. I didn't want to see J so I stayed in the room until he left our house. I left my phone in the guestroom so I asked my boyfriend to get it for me. I couldn't get myself to see the room. I felt violated. It felt so bad. I felt sick to my stomach. I couldn't tell my boyfriend because I didn't want to stress him out.

I told a close girl friend. She was angry and she understood. I asked her if I should tell my boyfriend. She said I should.

So I did.

His reaction was that it was bound to happen because J was drunk and vulnerable from the break-up. I didn't know what to say. I still don't know what to say. Was it harassment? It wasn't consensual for sure. But what brings the doubt to my mind was the fact that I couldn't move. I let him kiss me and touch me. And I want to hurt myself at the thought of this. I'm disgusted not just with him but also with myself.

I couldn't move the whole day. Not only because of the hangover but it felt heavy emotionally, mentally. I tried to watch Money Heist with my boyfriend but it was too much.

March 22, Sunday

I woke up okay. I cooked breakfast. But later in the day I started feeling heavy again.

During dinner, I argued with my boyfriend about his concerns about image and popularity and also about politics. It went bad.

So now he's upstairs watching Money Heist and I'm on my airbed in the living room, telling my girl friend about what my boyfriend said about the "incident."

I have the entire night to think about this.

time for some self-reflection

i've been depressed for 5 days now. i was told to open up, at least to myself, because if i know the root cause of this then i'd know how to address it.

it's true that i haven't been opening up a lot to anyone, especially to my partner. he's been by my side through my best moods and nightmare-ish attitude. i've been telling myself not to feel guilty about my pain and my mood because they are valid. but i think this is what it feels like to love someone truly. to be concerned enough about how my energy and actions affect them that i work hard on myself to get better.

1. i want to let my partner know that i appreciate him, before it's too late. because he is amazing and patient and i am just the luckiest to have someone who is also going through so much still stay by my side despite my repulsive mess.
2. take every day, every moment gratefully. every experience is precious and every human connection we build is a gift.
3. treat my body, mind, and heart better. be kind to myself and it will resonate to others.
4. be grateful that i am given the opportunities to maximize my potential and the blocks to build my dreams
5. don't look down on people who are aspiring to be something or to build something. it's never a bad thing to dream. it can be a pure, wonderful thing to have if we allow it to be.
6. build the life you want for yourself: relevant, kind, creative, and full of love.

wedding

Last night I dreamt that I was getting married to someone out of practicality and convenience. Apparently I made the impulsive decision only days prior to the wedding.

i am trash, sometimes.

I have this wonderful, wonderful person who loves me and I cannot even do the bare minimum of overcoming my moods for him. I try though. I'd like to think that I am trying my best. But some days I am trash.

2020

i'm supposed to reflect on 2019. i'll attempt to do it the only way i know how. by writing.

2019 was shit. i made all the wrong decisions. i was presented with the best opportunities but i didn't make the most out of them because my head was too far up my ass. i was not mindful, i was not present, i was not grateful.

all i wanted was to catch a break, to get away from everything. i had little appreciation and all i could think about was when all of it would be over.

2020 will require being the most together i have ever been. focus and mindfulness, that's all i need and everything else will follow. i have developed a kind heart through practice over the years so it is time to move on to the other side of things.

while it is hard to finish the projects i have committed to as a person with no ambition, it should all go down to telling the stories we want to tell, creating friendships, human connections, gaining life experiences, and living every moment of it fully.

2020 will be about financial stability. as long as i set my mind to it, i know i can do it. but just one variable, i need to align with my new partner. we have to be in this together or else it will all just fall apart.

let's see.