craving creativity

 it's been a while since i've been creative and i crave it.

i'm lucky to have work that allows me to be creative but there's still something different about being creative with no limits. creating from nothing, no brief, no branding guidelines.

here are some creative projets that i look forward to doing:

1. my travel journals

- japan

- europe

- taiwan 24

- taiwan 25

that's a lot so i need to get started. it's just hard with a kid. being creative on a computer means a much lesser chance of things being messed up by a kid. working with your hands there's 99% chance.

2. video DJing

oh i miss resolume

it does require a lot of time though, from what i can remember 9 years ago

i've been looking for courses. we'll see.

3. photography

i want to take more photos! but i want to level it up. i'm not sure yet how but also experimenting will answer that.

i will stop working in film

i will stop working in film. it is not good for my mental health. i will stop slaving away for measly pay, upfronting money that will never make its way back. i will stop trying to fix a broken system. i no longer want to talk about where the film industry will lead us to. i no longer want to work in male-dominated sets, and constantly hear snide and sexist remarks, whether directed to me or others.

there are a lot of reasons why i would no longer work on a film set. but there are also some reasons why i would keep doing it in a different way, away from all of them.

only time will be able to tell. for now, i have no path, no ambition, no set plans. i am just here, present, happy, fulfilled.

give me strength part 32462

 sometimes you just have to put everything on paper to clear your mind and finally get some shut eye

i don't know how to write anymore. ever since i learned how to write copy for content i've become dumb. was that it though ot my antibiotics? or that i'm just high right now?

i am overwhelmed again with stuff to do but i guess i just gotta hang on for one more week. just keep pushing until we reach the steady we need.

there's just a thing when i smoke that i just want to consume content. like nerdy stuff most of the time. but i'm also too old now to stay up on a sunday, it's going to ruin my entire week. especially that i'm PMS-ing.

i just need to analyze my week

top priority is my full-time job

but finish the outline on monday

upload the rotterdam requirements for the love of god

and just maybe finally decide on the auto loan

there's milk tea in the fridge so hopefully that can get you going through the day.

i think i really need my own space fo the love of all things holy and mighty

god is good

feeling anxious most days

mostly because of my job 

i'm not even sure if it's because i don't like it or i'm just not giving it enough time and effort

i'll try giving it time and effort first before saying that it's not for me

that's just fair for my employer 

and fair to me as well

just need to get started

My head is hurting. It's a Monday and for most of us, that means start of the week's work. Staring at the screen is triggering my nausea but I can't just let that hinder the start of the work week. Work is a responsibility, a commitment. Necessary, mandatory. Some people would argue, put your self first. Work is just work. It's not worth sacrificing yourself on. How about integrity though? What is integrity worth? And isn't pulling through on what you have committed to, being responsible knowing that others rely on you, doing your work, a practice of integrity? 

Is pride not considered a value anymore? Something archaic and outdated? I feel conflicted by this. I still standby what is right. Just do what is right; if you feel it is not right, don't do it. I still trust my judgment. And I think my wisdom has shown once I allowed myself to be responsible. So no, I do not think putting yourself is always right. You still have to know where your values lie. And I will not let go of mine.

My values:

1. Integrity - responsibility, honesty, excellence
2. Strength - patience, perseverance, resilience
3. Wisdom - kindness, humility, gratitude, joy

Fortitudo in Patientia
Gaudium in Sapientia
Ductus a Integritate

happy birthday

i just felt like going in here because there has been a lot swirling in my mind. probably better to get them down on (digital) paper so i can start to focus on other things.

i wish i could pinpoint the anxiety. but i think it's probably just a general feeling of uncertainty and not being in control yet. of what? of the future i've been envisioning. whenever i feel something like this, i really have to act on it and do something to reach it. otherwise it's just endless feeling of unrest. i felt the same way with the cinema, that was until we lost the location.

on another note, i've been craving a personal space for recharging. i think i was able to survive without one because i knew i just had to hang in there. but it's been almost 5 years both without a personal space and with a regular workload so it's been getting difficult to sustain my energy.

other than though, my family is really all i need. the more i get older, the more this becomes true. 

hospital room blues

i guess i just wanted to get on here to write because i've only been here for 24 hours and i already feel like cabin fever is getting to me.

i need to take a breather and calm down and focus on the most important things, getting better and getting my shit together. and by saying getting my shit together, i mean getting my finances in order. i think this is what's been stressing me out most of all, anyway. the thing is, i don't have the energy to do it right now. so i might have to do it tomorrow morning. 

1. email producers of sotf to give my money back

2. build a plan on how to run 10 utos if i can't get back on set

3. organize money released and received for errand and align with PM

4. get AR from Xeph so we can be reimbursed from utos

5. check what the plan is for the borrowed 100k by the box

it's quite a lot but it's about time i deal with these.

now, we also have to craft a plan on how we're going to make money after this. i feel like a higher paying remote job is a good answer. or maintain job now and get another part-time job or side hustle. but with the way things are, the debt we have, and the goals we have for the year, i think we need to earn an additional 100k per month.

putting up a business feels like a mix of everything i love to do

it's like creating an experiential space

it's like producing a film

it's bringing a concept to life

it's dynamic and crazy and full of adrenaline

maybe i need to be honest

i don't like it when my partner touches me whenever he wants to. it makes me cringe. i don't like that i don't feel good about how i look anymore. i don't like that we don't have a good sex life. i don't like that i don't feel good about myself when we have sex. i don't like that i always feel like he's looking at other women because that's how he has always been and he'll never change.

i have reached a state of numb

i'm going through this weird and scary state. that my mind and body are refusing to get hurt so it just stopped feeling anything. it's just nothing. no love, no hate, no sadness, no insecurities, no jealousy, no happiness, no fear, no excitement, no compassion. should i find a way to solve this? or should i just stay in the state so i don't have to deal with being hurt in the future? hmm

i think i'm getting tired of being nice. it's tiring. it requires effort. i'm tired of compromising. i'm tired of empathizing. i'm tired of being good.

Ang hirap kasi hindi ko alam kung saan magsisimula

Hindi ko pa rin ma-heal ang sarili ko patungo sa secure and balanced na pakikipagrelasyon.

Wala akong balak mag-commit sa uncertainty. Wala akong balak ilagay ang sarili ko sa sitwasyon na hindi ako makakawala kapag nasaktan ako. Wala akong balak mapunta sa lugar na walang ibang mapupuntahan.

So ngayon, ako muna, sarili ko muna. Gagalingan ko muna.

Wala akong pakialam. Gusto ko lang sumaya.

Heavens forfend

 This is just one of those times that call for a blog entry.

3 weeks ago I made the decision to leave the company that I'm working in. I don't remember the feeling but I remember that I didn't want it anymore. I wanted to be free from going to work everyday and of course there is that commitment that I had for 2 full-length films. There was no way I could do the film with a full-time job.

And probably there is also that conundrum about not being paid highly enough and I wanted to explore upskilling so I could grow (and eventually get paid high enough).

Maybe I've been giving our Head as a reason for leaving but maybe it's really just me. Because I already know that she is not going to be regularized anyway and would even be taken out early if I would just say it.

Then last evening I was given an offer I'd be stupid to refuse.

It's been hard.

I feel like the opportunity is too good to pass up on.

Then again I also feel that it's too good to be true.

There might be a catch?

You're right.

About what we should or shouldn't have done. You're right.

Now we lay here, thinking about how we got here, how we got near.  And to what end. What we lost and what we could have gained.

Have we been trying too hard? How do we know when everything(/one) tells us that we're supposed to try hard? How do we know when it's too much?

How do we take the step forward knowing that we're on the wrong road in the first place?

Why do these things happen during the summer? When the heat stings and the hurt burns. 

It pains me to think that no matter hard we try, none of us will deserve this. Not because it's not good enough but because it's just different. We were always meant for different things. For the beautiful, the dazzling, and the romantic. Yet we're here, dining on mediocrity for sustenance, and pathetically doing it separately.

So maybe there is something about this heat and the tiredness of our bodies. Something about longing for wide, open spaces, and looking ahead at a boundless horizon, and feeling a million infinities.

So I haven’t written in a while

And it feels like a good idea to start again. This motivates me to get a new computer. Backreading my coming-of-age posts, I really had something going on. I may not have an extensive vocabulary but I had google and the ear for good rhythm. Maybe that’s enough to create content.

I’m stretching myself too thin these days. All hecause of FOMO. I want to do everything, learn everything, and earn all the monies.

I’m too cool to be working corporate jobs. Not saying this arrogantly but just the world would benefit more fi I would go back to being a half-assed bohemian and amuse the world with my what-nots.

Maybe being a writer will get tiring too since I get tired of everyhing anyway. But it’s probably something that I will always go back to. The same way that I always go back to music.

I should get serious with my ideas

let's try posting when we're not sad

i feel like i'm at the point in my life when i can start doing things because of how i feel about them or because i have to but only and solely because i think they'd be cool. i've got emotional investment on anything outside my family and i think that's what's giving me this level-headedness.

some things i want:

1. learn to write and sustain myself financially from writing and producing my own content -- isn't this what everyone wants though? will my taste be good enough? i realized that i really do love writing. i'm not that good at it but i love doing it. they sy that if you keep doing something you'll end up being good at it but honestly, that's not always true. i ended up being a producer because i know what's good but i can't write it. will it work out for me, you think? how does one expand their vocabulary? do i need to to become a writer?
2. minimalize -- life at home is too cluttered for my taste and i want to do something about it
3. keep taking film photos. i love taking photos. this is something that's always been instinctive for me. never had to learn how and they turn out good anyway.
4. nore time to do things -- meaning, i wish baby would sleep better.

i really feel like always being nice to the world now. but i still can't take bullshit. i'm still too cool for bullshit.

i should be sleeping

 my heart hurts and i should be resting

but i feel like i should write

i feel like i should write but no words come out to describe the state that i am in

miserable?

lonely?

i left someone becase he was far from me

only to be with someone who is here but feels far from me

sometimes i think of ripping off the band-aid and be on my own

it's easier than thinking about what could lie ahead

it gets lonely sometimes

 it's not so bad. i have a responsible partner and a perfect son. but things get rough. inside. sure, it's exhausting (damn, it's exhausting) but it's more than that. diving into this big step, this huge life change, scares me. i am so, so scared. my partner has been so caring and he's tried to support me all the way ever since i gave birth. but i have demons. our past isn't perfect and that haunts me. it haunts me because what if the past manifests itself in the future. what if my now caring partners reverts back to his old self? i'm scared. i'm scared to give this, what we have, my everything. it's stupid because it's what cause the problems in our past in the first place. we were too scared to enter a relationship and ended up ruining things, both of us traumatized.

i know that to be the ideal partner, to be the best that i can be in our relationship, for our family, i have to heal. and i'm not sure how yet. that's what i need to find out.

i'm not even brave enough to write it down. but i should.

when my partner and i were still dating, he left me to date another woman. he then came back to me because it didn't work out with that woman. only to leave me again two weeks later to go back to the same woman. then back to me again when that didn't work out. it hurts me. it didn't used to. but i didn't know better then. now i feel like i was so stupid for allowing him back in my life and that i have no chance to correct my stupidity and redeem myself because i have a child with him. that's how i feel. probably just pride and ego but how do i heal and move past that when he's not even apologetic about it.

it didn't end there though. there were still other women in his life even we officially started dating. even when i was pregnant. 

god, just writing this makes me want to hurl myself off the roof. so fucking stupid.

i mean he's really tried to change. and he did. he's a better person and i'm so proud of him. but damn, just didn't think i'd be a person to tolerate shit like this. i thought i'd be wiser. i thought that after being in a healthy and mature relationship with my ex has taught me what it's like to be in a relationship that i deserve. i'm just so disappointed with myself that i ended up here.

so maybe the first step is to forgive myself. i'll think about how i can do that. what steps i can take to redeem myself.

warm up

 just writing this as a warm up for a script job that i have to submit in a few hours

they say that to be able to write, you have to read. and i think that's true because i don't know how to do either anymore.

i'm supposed to write about real estate

but what do i know about it

i've been feeling overwhelmed from the exhaustion of taking care of a baby coupled with working on hectic script projects. and doing having to do all these without having the comforts of having my own space and privacy. last night i was on the verge of crying. i should have. but instead i switched on the TV, watched Modern Family, and napped. i should have cried. i should have acknowledged that i was tired. it would have cleared my mind and heart, possibly ridding me of creative block.

so what's in this real estate project

it's supposed to be an impressive joint venture between a japanese and filipino developers. with the modern taste and meticulousness of the japanese combined with the the warm sense of community living of the filipino.

it is situated in lipa, an emerging city. away from the chaos but still modern enough to offer comfortable and convenient living.

money

I am writing here in the hopes of getting my creative juice flowing. I have a deadline in a few hours and I'm exhausted from caring for my newborn. I wish I didn't have to work. I wish I could spend all day taking care of him and recovering physically and mentally myself.. But such is life.

The bottom line is, I need more money. I'm pretty proud of what I've been able to do so far. I went through my third trimester of pregnancy working super hard and now, I am almost free of debt. The problem is I didn't know the fourth trimester would be this tough. I barely sleep, my body's still not at it's optimum, and I can barely finish work. As much as I want to recover fast, I must also be patient with my body and myself, and take this time to enjoy the early days with my baby.

But this one last job that I have to do, I have to do really well. I've been late with submissions for the past projects and I really want to keep getting jobs from this agency because they're easy to work with and they pay well. I am also getting burned out from my full-time job so I am considering letting go of that. But it might not be the best decision right now to let of a stable and secure job even though it pays less.

I'm really at a point where I just want to provide for my family. I wish the universe would allow that. I wish the universe would see that this time, I am trying to make things right. Or maybe it's time to reflect on things, my priorities and my life goals. The clearer they are to me, the easier it would be to manifest them from the universe.

new interface

I think this is the time where I pause and reflect on my fears.

I have been procrastinating lately, partly because of pregnancy fatigue, mostly because of anxiety. The fear of dealing with things that could completely go wrong and bring unimaginable stress. This is something that I have to overcome if I want our child birthing to be gentle and natural. I have to work on my mental strength and confront things head on.

I have a lot of to-do's but I think it would help if I list down the ones I need to prioritize for work:

1. Finish liquidation - 2 projects

2. Finish transcription

3. Work on my deck

4. Research on digital marketing

5. Post marketing for future classes.

That's it. That's all I have to do for now. Not too difficult right? Now let's start with one.